~The dreaded date again...

Because today is here, it's another year with out him. 6 to be exact. Seems to long, but I can feel his last touch like it was yesterday. I can see his smile in my mind like he's right in front of me. I can feel his spirit all around me, I feel like he is here.

I'm sitting here wondering why April 28 will never just be another day? It's just a date on the calendar. But I guess it'll never be another day because it's the day that the biggest change ever happened in my life. The day Jeff died was bigger than ever having children, then getting a speeding ticket, then getting caught sneaking out in high school. It changed who I am today and who I will be for all the rest of my days.... How I feel today is how I think I'll feel for all the rest of the days of my life. And it's not that I'm not happy, I am. I have the most amazing family! I would not have this lovely perfect (utterly non-perfect) life if he didn't die. I guess today is just a day that I mark because I am who I am today because of that day- get it?

So as another year passes by I mark it with 6 (6 years gone, duh!) things that I desperatly miss about him:

1. His smile... look at it, isn't is amazing? And honestly that smile happened DAILY! Even if he was having a horrible day, his smile was there. Even if I was me, who Jason can terstify, am not perfect AT ALL, he would smile at me.

2. His faith in God, which had nothing to do with me. He was so at peace with his life, he was happy where he was at and where he was going.

3. I miss going to be leaving him out on the couch reading till all hours of the night.

4. I miss watching Alyssa watch him walk up the way after he got home from work, so excited she could hardly contain herself.

5. I miss hearing his drums pound, although I'm sure it was not as often as he'd have liked because he sacrificed so much for his family.

6. I miss how he was helping me become a more faithful, better person.

* On a side note, jason just commented to me, that last year I was "so good" and he thought I was "over it". Do you ever really get over losing a spouse I wonder? I wonder if it would be easier for me if I lived in an area where he & I shared all of our memories? If I had a grave to visit? Would it be easier & would I get over it? I doubt it. So if your one of those people waiting for me to get over it, keep on waiting.

~Welcome to the world Everett Finn

I'm excited to announce that I am a new auntie to this *cute* little man! He is Jeff's brothers 2nd son and made his appearance into this world April 23 @2:14am, weighing in at 7lbs 9oz and 19 1/2 inches long.

I hope to meet this sweet little man sooner than later. His brother, Greyson:

is nearly 2 years old and I haven't even met him yet :( They live in California and I barely make it back to that part of the country!

For me, having sweet Everett here is such a blessing and a distraction from the storm. Tomorrow is D-day, 6 years since I lost my Jeff, and having a new baby in the family is such a blessing and a reason to smile for tomorrow! As a life leaves, a new and fresh face always appears!

Welcome sweet Everett, I can't wait to meet you and hold you!

~kayleigh

Please pray for sweet Kayleigh if you have the time. She was in recovery from surgery and is now showing signs of being brain dead. I've been following her for sometime now, and have watched miracles happen in her life. Please pray for one to happen tonight.

~1st year portraits

Rachel, from Madchen Studios took Karley Mae's year old pictures! I love how they turned out. Don't you? I of course think my baby is the most beautiful thing ever. She didn't want to cooperate too well for the shots, but nevertheless, a good photographer still gets the great shots!

This is Karley trying to whistle because Rachel had a whistle to make her look! I really love this one!

Don't you adore the jacket? She got it for her birthday, and I LOVE IT! Roxy clothes ROCK!


Am I a bad mom? Because this is the first time my baby girl has seen bubbles. She was a little intriguesd, but not really. I love this shot because she looks so deep in though!

THE TOES ARE RED! Yep, I'm creating a princess! I love it.

Hello tutu, you love it cause i love it!

~When bad things happen....

My whole life was innocent enough, well until that one day... well and then that other day, and then the day when it came crashing down in 2003. Everything was sofe and cushie, until then. Now I feel like I'm wandering through the days waiting for the next bad thing to happen. When is someone I love... well you know, I can't even type it because it's too disturbing for me to think about. But yet, I'm waiting for that phone call, or I'm waiting to wake up one morning & have this horrible reality check agian. I'm waiting for all this terrible stuff to happen, & let me tell you, this is a crappy way to live. I'm TERRIFIED! Each and every moment I'm attached to my phone waiting. Do you think It'll ever get better?

When bad things happen to people, it is after all, just a part of life, isn't it? Or is it? Why, for some people do bad things never happen to them? Are they 'better' 'more holy' 'nicer'. What makes them get outta this life scott free without feeling the pain that so many of us have to feel all the time? I don't understand it? Maybe I am a bit jealous, but still, why?

I guess this is something I need to address in my own life, but I think for most people who have gone through something tragic they wonder and & think the same things. And then wait around each and every turn after that when it's going to happen again...

ahhh... the price we continue to pay for having something bad happen to us.

~10 years... scary day- scary future...

Today marks 10 years since that sad sad day in Colorado. I think that it's such a big deal to me because it was my senior year in high school that this terrible crime happened. I'll remember exactly where I was standing when I heard the news.. I was in our school library (ironic since a lot of the murders happened in the Columbine High School Library), just walked past the librarian's (Mrs. Evans) desk, when I saw people glued to the television, I instantly heard the news and my heart sank. I was so terribfied to be in school that day. And I was heart broken for the children who lost their lives that day also. It has changed so much how I feel about sending my own kids to school. People always thought it would never happen to them, and now look? It's happening all over the world, these terrible school shootings. I'm terrified to this day to watch my children grow & mature in a school, I don't know who those kids are who are walking right along with my children, I also don't know whats going on in their mind. And also, what I've been thinking about- how can I be a better parent so that my children don't become attackers themselves? Thats is a parents other worst nightmare, not just to lose their children to an attack in a school, but for one of their children to become so bitter and angry that they too attack another classmate. My thoughts and prayers are with the families as they mark another year their loved ones have been gone.

If you could would you please say a prayer for Stellan tonight & tomorrow?

If you remember, little stellan is a sick baby boy with something wrong with his heart. He is having surgery tomorrow to try to correct this problem. Doctors usually do not perform this surgery on babies so young, so please pray for him and his mom Jennifer as she endures hours of waiting as her baby is opened up on the operating table?

~ He is so so GOOD!

Meet my in real life friend Amanda, isn't she beautiful? And meet her NEW baby girl Isabella Jane (Bella)- isn't motherhood perfect on her?
There is such an amazing story about sweet little Bella and how she came into Amanda's life. I'm not exactly sure of the whole story, but I know if & when I dig a little deeper it's going to be an amazing and touching story! Lets travel back to how I met miss Amanda....

I'm not exactly sure of the year (do you know amanda?)- but it was in our college days, and those were the days let me tell you! She wrote this amazing paper about being a Christian, and read it to the class (we were in an english class together), after class i knew I had to get to know this girl! So I made a bee line for her and introduced myself. Well, through the college years she was one of my rocks. She made me a stronger, better person. I envied her! Her faith in God is one that is AMAZING and never faltering. I wanted to be like her so bad, but if I couldn't be like her I wanted to be part of her life! And that I was, and thankfully, still am. I married the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, Jeff, and moved to California, away from my dear friend. But she kept me in her prayers almost daily I'm sure. She wrote me snail mail (can u beleive people USED to write letters? haha) and boosted me in my life everytime I received her letters. Then the time came when Jeff went to be with the Lord... Amanda touched my heart by attending a memorial service held for him in Reno while his actual service was held in Cali. I don't think she knows this, but she wrote in a memory book for Jeff and what she wrote touched me so very much... It helped hold me together in that time of my life.
Anyway, time went on and my life changed more and more. Then it was time for my dear friend to get married. I was more than honored when she asked me to be bridesmaid in her wedding. I mean, she wanted me to stand up and witness one of the most touching love stories of all time. I can't even begin to express what a total privledge is was to be part of that day. It's still one that is near and dear to my heart.
Amanda and I have kept in touch over the years. Yes, we don't get to talk often but I feel like when we're able to touch base its the most beautiful times spent!

Now meet Ben & Bella:

Ben is Amanda's most honoring husband. He's a man that is one I admire all the time! Ben's story touched me deeply when I lost my first husband in the car accident. Ben lost his mom while he was still in high school, she was also killed in a senseless auto accident. Ben never gave up his faith in the Lord. Ben is one strong man, one who I am so happy to have gotten to know through the years! One man, who is going to make a terrific dad!

So amanda & I got together last summer and she shared with me that her and Ben were going forward with adoption plans. I'm not exactly sure why they can't have a baby, but thats besides the point! Look at these 2 gorgeous parents gazing on at little Bella in the hospital nursery:


This little baby:

Was loved and prayed for before she was even a glimmer in her parent's eyes....

This little baby

is right where God intended her to be when she was conceived. She is in the perfect home, with the PERFECT family. I am blessed to know this story and to know that God does work in miraculous ways! Welcome home Bella! I can't wait to meet you!