Wednesday, March 25, 2009


Please pray for baby boy as his heart is not doing any better... this baby is a Miracle and now is the time for him to live....

Monday, March 23, 2009

~get them knees to the floor

Baby Stellan who was diagnosed with a heart defect inside of his mama's belly and then born as healthy as could be is not back in PICU with the heart defect back... please pray for him and his lovely little (big with 4 children) family as they are going through quite a trying time. Stellan has overcome so much in his short little life and this is another that he can battle toward the ultimate goal of being healthy!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

~for my friend Rachel- ya I'm one of those moms too!!

I was laughing when I was reading my friend Rachel's blog because she lets her little angel rip the wipes from the container so that she can get a few things donw around the house... we'll just to let you know- I'm one of those moms too! I have been so busy holding miss snotty pants getting over a cold and also bursing myself that I finally set her down, opened the box & let her go to town... and I got a couple things done, including updating my blog! Look for a post about whats been going on in my life sooner than later!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

~wordless wednesday

~but if I had to title this one it'd be "addicted"~

Thursday, March 5, 2009

~God- yes, Church- not so sure

So, I pride myself in being a princess... seriously I am a princess of the Lord! He is my king and I am his daughter so in his eyes I am serioulsy a princess. But don't get me wrong, just like every little princess out there we knock heads. I have my own free will and because of that I struggle with life and how it's supposed to be lived. This goes way back.

Childhood: Went to church as a young young child- it was across the street so i remember walking over there for sunday school with my older brother. I don't ever really remember going with my parents, but it coulda happened.

Mid childhood: Moved to Nevada and was introduced to a cool sunday school teacher (thank you Mrs. Davenport) when I went to church with a friend. I used to have my parents drop me off for sunday school or church at the local Methodist church in town- they always used to give me some coins for offering, but never attended with me. I don't ever recall my brothers attending church either.

Teen years: The first 2 years of high school I don't think I walked into a church- I was too good for that or should i say too cool. I moved away for the first half of my senior year of high school and ended up being part of the amazing youth group and remember laying on a trampoline one night and accepting Jesus as my personal savior. It was a pivitol moment. I moved back home in December of that year and didn't attend church again until that summer. I was again back with the friends who walked the path with me early in my senior year.

2000: was in college and still searching. Had baby girl and found myself a part of a college group that met saturday nights. Was importnat to me that i raised her having faith and hope. Moved from oregon to nevada in 2001 and began searching for a church. Went through a really rough breakup and then started searching HARD CORE. Found a place and people who were encouraging (thanks Amanda!) in my walk.

2001: Met the love (or should i say one of the loves) of my life. Got married shortly after and we were pregnant! Moved from nevada to California. He inspired my walk even further. I found myself wanting to be way involved in the church and loving how much faith he had.

April 28, 2003: Should I call this D-day? cause it literally was. Got a phone call that there was a car accident ( I am 8 months pregnant) I rush to the scene and learn that my beloved is rushed to the hospital. I was picked up by someone who attended MOPS with me and we rushed to the hospital. I have never prayed so hard and with so much faith in my whole life. It was approx. a 30 minute drive from accident scene to hosp. I arrived to a police officer directing me to "the room." Doctor was knelt down by my MIL with the whole family sobbing. "He's gone" is all I heard. This was the moment that hate came into my heart.... I hated everything and everyone including God.

The next couple of years: Everytime I would step into a church I would cry. I couldn't do it. I doubted God's good grace, His faithfulness, His promises- I doubted. I was still angry. Infact I think at most times now I'm still angry. I meet the love of my life, Jason and we happily get married and share in our tragedy's together.

Lately: I signed up for facebook a year or so ago, and one of the questions was "religious views" I didn't know how to answer that... I answerd as "believer." I've been to church a hand full of times since this whole tragedy. And it was never the same. I didn't like it. I didn't "fit" in. The churches I had attended just weren't right. I'd been to ladies group and didn't click when I went. And lately I've been thinking a lot about all of this stuff... It's not God that I have the problem with, its "church" (church meaning the people) and what nade me realize this was when I was looking at another persons "religious views"- It clicked... this goes way back-

This goes back to the time I was 20 and someone who claimed to be a "higher up" in my church calimed that "God was crying in heaven" because I was sharing a glass of wine with my soon to be husband and I was only 20- ya total turn off from church.
This goes back to a pastor telling me after Jeff died that I didn't need to see a doctor for my depression I just needed to talk to God more (uh, did he want me to wither up into a ball and die? )
And recently as I've been thinking about finding a new church to attend it seems to be I'm being turned off of it again, I mean I believe in God, but the people who profess his name need help- Christians are so off kelter when they try to bring people to the Lord, it's pathetic. I was told that the devil was going to come after me and my family because i was on the radio with someone who calimed to be psychic, I was told that "God didn't Bless the day I came into a friends life" and as I was attending a coffee morning with some "church" ladies, I was having a bad day not getting along with my neighbor and one of these "church ladies" went and told this neighbor that I was talking bad about her... I thought that morning coffee's with other christian's were supposed to be a 'pick me up' and to talk about the good the bad and the ugly that was going on in our lives.
Am I so wrong as to expect something else from "church?"

I guess the point I'm getting across to my followers is that yes I believe there is a God and no I don't understand His ways and I don't agree with everything he "allows" to happen. But when it comes to church, It's so bad how "people" have come to run the church and not let it be lead by God. I think for me the best thing to do is have a "personal" relationship with God and forget about trying to be a part of something that I feel is not full of His Grace. We're in a postmodern world and I think there is a place that will eventually turn up for me to "belong" but the places I've chosen lately are not for me.