Thursday, April 29, 2010

~Musings 7 years out

It's simply mind boggling to me that it's been 7 years since Jeff went to heaven. (For those of you who don't know my story read instalment #1 of the story here.)

Here are my thoughts 7 years later...

It still hurts. He still got hit by a car and the vision of him flying through the air, and all the nastiness that happened after still lingers in my thoughts. The whole day is still a very clear vision to me. I remember every single little detail, every single one. I remember the pure hell I went through & it still hurts.

It feels different than it did when it was the first year anniversary of his death. The first year was physically painful & it felt like I was dying. I wanted to gouge my eyes out in order to not feel the pain. Years 2-4 were causing me anxiety cause I knew it was leading up to year 5, 5 years since Jeff had died. And year 5 was weird... it really felt like a dream... like really, 5 years ago my beloved died. Year 6 was nothing big, but year 7, like really 7 years ago my life as I know it now began? Really, 7 years? Can it be true?

It was a normal day, I mean one must live their daily life. But still, it lingers. The time flashes across the clock... And I know that around that time he was hit by the car. And I know that at another time I was called, and then the other time he was dead. And then the other time on the clock... i was not longer at the hospital. I left it alone w/o my husband. And than I clearly remember the first night i was a widow.

I was scared to go home... like really? Was some one going to rob me? I don't know why. Someone had to go to my apt. for me to get clothing for my 3 year old. I remember sitting my darling Alyssa down & telling her that daddy was never coming home again, oh God that hurt. To this day recalling that memory still hurts. Still makes me cry. I remember sleeping in Jeff's sisters bed. It wasn't even discussed... I was just sleeping there with my baby girl. I remember running my hand over my 8 month pregnant belly... crying, not being able to sleep. Tossing and turning. My son was going to grow up w/o a dad. Why was this my life.

You know, before this big fat nightmare happened I never ever ever imagined that my i mean MY husband would be taken from me. Not me, I wasn't one of the few (now I know so many are) that was going to be a young widow. Nope, not me. Not my family. Not my children. But today, 7 years + 1 day later I am still a widow deep in my heart. I don't care what anyone says about it, I still loved & lost and lost bigger than most can even imagine.

7 years + 1 day... I still miss him!

Sunday, April 4, 2010


I am so tired & weary these last couple of days. I can't seem to pin point what exactly it is that is making me feel physically & mentally exhausted, but I need to snap out of it.

I have a clue as to what a few of these things are, in no particular order.

FACE BOOK- It is plain and simple a toxic place. Lies happen there, people find ways to not deal with life on a face to face basis, They can snoop into others life and real communication doesn't have to happen. It's easy to conceive & think up false accusations. On tops of all that, it's easy to waste precious valuable time on such a pointless site.

That being said, I love face book. I love it for the simple fact that it's wast to be in contact with those dear ones that we want to know more, or haven't seen in ages. It's connected me to so many people who I left behind when I moved away from my hometown. I left with so much hate & resentment toward people & I am seeing them in a new more "human" light! I love that it's let me grow up so much & appreciate people for being just that... people.

I love it for the sake of my photography business! It's FREE (who doesn't love free?) advertisement? Plus I love love love to look at other people's free advertisement!

I love to show off my babies. But yet, I feel so violated lately with their pics that I can't seem to show too much of them off?

So yes, face book is a toxic time waster in my life that I love...

Another exhausting area: Weight.. yes I know you who know me will flat out call me a liar- BUT I am UP, yep that's right, UP 20 pounds from when I HAD (BIRTHED) KARLEY! Hello... isn't one supposed to lose weight after baby? We'll I didn't, and I'm totally hating myself for what I consider F-A-T. Yes I said it, the image of how I look right now is disgusting & I need need need to do something about it. So I'm going to try moderate exercise, hey I have 5 kids, I rarely get time alone to do hardcore exercise, so walking will have to do! I'm also going to try some nutritional supplement stuff from Arbon, have you tried it?

Exhausting: FAITH! It's not hard to have faith, but it's hard to be disciplined enough to grow in faith. Don't get me wrong, it's not hard to talk to God, but it's hard to take the time to know as much as I want to know about him & as fast as I want to know it.

Exhausting: Children. nuff said? Well not really, my 2 year old is still NOT sleeping through the night. These last weeks have been HELL... or something I would consider close to hell. Shes been up 6-10 times a night. I have tried the crying to sleep thing. It was well over an hour & she was so worked up she couldn't have possibly fallen asleep after that. Furthermore she is not eating very well. I'm getting worried, but yet I tell myself not to worry!!!!!! She has thrown a loop into know it all parenting skills... And one of my boys is having a hard time in life right now & it just breaks my heart. It esp. hurts when all these people tell you what they think he needs but I am 1 person and can not give 1 child my undivided attention. It can't possibly work that way in a family with 5 children.

oh my list is never ending... I must try for a couple of hours of sleep!