Thursday, April 29, 2010

~Musings 7 years out

It's simply mind boggling to me that it's been 7 years since Jeff went to heaven. (For those of you who don't know my story read instalment #1 of the story here.)

Here are my thoughts 7 years later...

It still hurts. He still got hit by a car and the vision of him flying through the air, and all the nastiness that happened after still lingers in my thoughts. The whole day is still a very clear vision to me. I remember every single little detail, every single one. I remember the pure hell I went through & it still hurts.

It feels different than it did when it was the first year anniversary of his death. The first year was physically painful & it felt like I was dying. I wanted to gouge my eyes out in order to not feel the pain. Years 2-4 were causing me anxiety cause I knew it was leading up to year 5, 5 years since Jeff had died. And year 5 was weird... it really felt like a dream... like really, 5 years ago my beloved died. Year 6 was nothing big, but year 7, like really 7 years ago my life as I know it now began? Really, 7 years? Can it be true?

It was a normal day, I mean one must live their daily life. But still, it lingers. The time flashes across the clock... And I know that around that time he was hit by the car. And I know that at another time I was called, and then the other time he was dead. And then the other time on the clock... i was not longer at the hospital. I left it alone w/o my husband. And than I clearly remember the first night i was a widow.

I was scared to go home... like really? Was some one going to rob me? I don't know why. Someone had to go to my apt. for me to get clothing for my 3 year old. I remember sitting my darling Alyssa down & telling her that daddy was never coming home again, oh God that hurt. To this day recalling that memory still hurts. Still makes me cry. I remember sleeping in Jeff's sisters bed. It wasn't even discussed... I was just sleeping there with my baby girl. I remember running my hand over my 8 month pregnant belly... crying, not being able to sleep. Tossing and turning. My son was going to grow up w/o a dad. Why was this my life.

You know, before this big fat nightmare happened I never ever ever imagined that my i mean MY husband would be taken from me. Not me, I wasn't one of the few (now I know so many are) that was going to be a young widow. Nope, not me. Not my family. Not my children. But today, 7 years + 1 day later I am still a widow deep in my heart. I don't care what anyone says about it, I still loved & lost and lost bigger than most can even imagine.

7 years + 1 day... I still miss him!


Dawn said...


So well written and all so true, the thoughts and feelings you describe. June 7th marks my 7th year without my Jeff. Sending you love and hugs! You are one truly courageous, strong and amazing woman!


lgperich said...


You have been through so much! You are such an amazing awesome woman & mom, I feel honored to know you. Take care, be strong! Love, Lisa