Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Seriously, where does the time go? I wish there were more than 24 hours in 1 day, but there simply isn't time enough for all that I want to do.

So I've been MIA, I know I know, you know that! There are several reasons...

1- Time... I want my blog to be one of my babies, something I can enjoy & love & put so much effort into, and time seems to not be on my side lately. I've gotta drop other things in order to make my blog a priority because i LOVE to write!

2- anger... when I post what I feel most deepest in my heart & soul and then get ridiculed for it, it makes me ANGRY. I want this to be a place where I can write what I want, when I want, why I want. So thats what it must become. If you don't like what I write, don't read it! Simple, isn't it?

3- holy MOM... 5little kids and 1 big hubby have taken my whole world and made it not mine... it's their's and that I must accept!

4- winter... it gets dark so much earlier and I don't like it:( It seriously makes me TIRED!!!

5- photography- I got in too deep, too fast and was OVERWHELMED! But have slowed WAAAYY down and am loving it again!

So be on the look out for some real cool kick a** posts SOON!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

~a few things

Meet me for the next few months:

This is your typical Canadian Hockey Mom all through the winter! I have 3 boys who play hockey and I also manage one of their teams! I am literally crazy crazy crazy hockey mom through the winter. And you know, I'm not complaining, because i LOVE THIS SPORT! I love that I get to manage the boys' team, that I get to basically be the 'boss' and call all the shots! I love watching them grow and evolve in this great sport! I really do love it! But I also get completely exhausted by the end! And thus a new season has begun!
There are a few things that really frustrate me and really stress me out about children's sports. I really don't understand what all the politics is about? Why can't we all just be in it and give our best for ALL children not just our own? Why does it matter who you know, who your kid knows, or who your friend knows? Why can't adult smarten up & simply be in it for he joy of our children? I hope to be one of the adults who make it about the kids, ALL KIDS! Not just my own! Anyway, I'm sure over the course of this hockey season I'll be ranting & raving on myblog because some parent's are not in it for the children, maybe only for their own! ARGH!
Remember this post? Well I had to say goo-by to Mike last week. I mean, he is old & all, and yes, he was made to quit Survivor because of his medical issues:( so that means I am out of the running in the lil pool. But because I started watching it I'm kinda into it. There is this one contestant that is making it really interesting & I'd like to know what happens to him!

My photography has really taken off! Are you on face book and do you want to follow my photo shoots a little more closely? Become a fan of Little Things Photography with this photo:
I tend to update this site more than my photography blog! I suppose that is because most of my clients come from face book! (do I call my friends my clients? Why don't i call them my friendclients? I dunno) Anyways I would love for you to follow my journey into the photography land!!!

This beautiful mommy:

over at Raising Z nominated me for a BLOG AWARD! woo hooo! I'm going to put careful consideration into who I nominate before I post it! So look for it in the next few days!

In the meantime I leave you with my latest favorite photo that yours truly did all on her own! Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

~kids say the funniest things

This is a story about 2 brothers...

... sitting so nice together, watching cartoons... COMMERCIAL break!

Maxi pad comemercial comes on... Here is the conversation that followed during that commercial....

Mason: "dad, are those a kind of band-aids?"

... Connor is looking right at his dad as mason ask's this... (like he's wondering the same thing)

Jason (the Dad): "No, No they're not."

EXIT dad...

He was not going to address what they really were!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

~how we became who we are part 1

I realize that a few more people are starting to read my blog! Which excites me! I have had this love affair with writing and sharing my life for as long as I can remember. And I love that most people are keenly aware that most lives are far from perfect, including mine (Thank God for forgiveness)!

So I wanted to do a little mini session about how we came to be the appell-igarta family. We'll start with me & how the Igarta got into our equation!

Meet Jeff:

Meet Alexa:

Meet Alexa & Alyssa:

Meet Alyssa falling in love with Jeff (wearing his shorts):

Meet Pete:

Beautiful, eh? Actually this is the lowdown on the story!
Alexa: Alyssa & I were living our happily ever after, just the 2 of us. It was actually really great! We were happy. I was in school full time and also working 4 different jobs making ends meet. I was loving being a mom, loving being a student, and loving being an employee! Yes, times were tough, but God was my #1 and he always knew that my life was going to be OK. I was so on fire as a Christian! I loved reading the bible & having my God to fill any void that I was needing in my life.
Jeff: Jeff had been living in Reno, Nevada for approx. 1 year by the time I came along. I remember the story being told numerous times as how his journey in Reno came to be. He was living in the central coast of California for as long long time when he felt the Lord calling him to move. He made the jump & came to Reno living with friends and finding work. The part of his story that sticks out so much to me is that before he left the coast he told his dad that he was going to Reno to find a wife! (wait for it, wait for it, oh ya!) After giving up his whole life as he knew it & putting God as number 1, Jeff & I crashed into each other with the help of a friend.
Pete: Pete had been a long long time friend of Jeff's. Pete & I met at a bible study & really started to hit it off! I loved Pete, because he was just the sort of friend that I needed at the time! Someone to guide me, someone to help me with my walk, someone to witness to me, someone to love me for who I was. Pete was just that! He was my Friend and He was Jeff's friend. And he knew that Jeff & I should be together. Pete arranged for me (I was only 20) to get into a Jazz club where another friend was playing live music. And then Pete played match maker! Telling Jeff I thought he had a great smile (which WHOA he did) and telling me that Jeff thought I was pretty (or something like that). After leaving the bar we went bowling and hung out- 4 friends!
That's when the flirting started between Jeff & I. And then the phone number exchange & then the phone calls, and then the invitations to hear live music with him! The late night visits started (because I wouldn't allow him to meet my daughter yet). And then love happened. It was fast but it was real! It was awesome. We always prayed about where we were to go in our relationship & what it was supposed to be! It was an amazing feeling for me (& I also think for Jeff).
Soon enough Jeff & Alyssa hit it off. There were times when Alyssa and I were alone ans she would be asking me when Jeff was going to be her daddy! I was excited that God was working in her heart too & allowing her to see what a real dad was! Pete was still a solid rock in our life & our walk into marriage.
Soon into our courtship we choose marriage and more children. We were married in Nov. of 2002 in a small & beautiful ceremony in our home church in California. It was awesome with some of our closest friends being there. We honeymooned 1 night away as Alyssa stayed with her new grandparents who loved her so so much & whom she loved so very much too! In fact I remember Jeff telling me that his mom wanted to know when Alyssa was going to call her grandma! It was exciting to see that relationship grow and bloom! Alyssa also had new aunties & a new uncle who she was so excited to get to know! She was often in the make-up with her auntie & Jeff & I enjoyed watching her relationship with her uncle & aunties grow!
Jeff & I were excited to welcome a baby boy! I loved that when Jeff got the video ultrasound he couldn't stop watching it & was so excited for his little boy to be born. I was excited to see how our relationship with each other & with God was going to play out.
Tragedy: I received a phone call around lunch time on April 28, 2003. I was 8 months pregnant. It was Jeff's boss calling. He had received a phone call that his company truck had been in a fender bender on a busy highway on the central coast of California. He said it was nothing serious, and was wondering if I had heard from Jeff, as to what had happened. He told me the area it had been. I had heard from Jeff approx 15-20 Min's earlier & he was on his way to the shop for lunch break. I tried numerous times to call him and never got ahold of him. That's when I hopped into my car & sped off to the accident scene, almost getting into a few accidents myself. I arrived on the scene to no Jeff. He had been taken to the hospital in an ambulance.
God`s hands were with me the whole day, as I look back on it it was a miserable horrible day, but I was taken care of. I went into a hysterical screaming match at the police demanding to know what happened and they would not tell me. They would not let me back into my car to drive to the hospital as I was freaking out. I did not have a cell phone & only knew 1 number of anyone to call in the whole area as we had only moved there months earlier. I did happen to call my MIL`s house & she answered & into a panic as I screamed into the phone that Jeff was in an accident & that's all I knew. Along came a van with a woman in it who happened to recognize me as I had recently started going to a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group at a local church. She got out of her van & spoke to one of the police officers (who coincidental was a christian too) and offered to give me a ride to the hospital. I hopped in with Alyssa and off we went. My MIL was in route also. While we were driving to the hosp. the woman received a phone call (which I later learned was the christian police officer) and she instantly started praying. I had this gut feeling it wasn't good. After being directed to the wrong hospital we were redirected to the hospital where Jeff was. I walked into the bad news room as I like to call it, to my in laws crying and a doctor kneeled down in front of my MIL. Jeff had died. I just remember going into shock. Complete & utter shock. God took control of my life that day & allowed me to get through everything that happens when someone dies. All the planning, all the grief.
That day was the worst day of my life.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

So, I'm kinda excited....

Meet Mike! He is my new main man! And I'm rootin for him all the way!
I guess I should back up a bit... I got into a pool for the upcoming SURVIVOR that starts tonight! I've never actually watched every single episode of survivor, but I so needed something to break up this winter & look forward to! And a friend of mine put on this pool where they draw names for who gets who on survivor. And Mike is my man. Check him out:

Mike Borassi (62)
Hometown: Marina del Rey, Calif
Occupation: Personal Chef

This California transplant, originally from New York, will do or say anything to become the next SURVIVOR. After a career as a college football coach at Boston University in the 1970’s and over 30 years in the food industry, he currently works as a personal chef.

Married without children, he enjoys gardening, reading, working out and spending time with friends. He is funny, dependable and quiet, yet, he is never afraid to tell it like it is. He can’t stand bad drivers, republicans or bigots and admits that the easiest way to make him angry is to move around his kitchen equipment.

At 62 years old, he has been preparing for his experience on SURVIVOR by working out with a personal trainer on a daily basis and has lost over 30 pounds in preparation for his chance at the million dollar prize. A true SURVIVOR fan, he has watched every single episode from the very beginning and came close to being part of the cast last season. His strategy includes remaining cooperative and low-key so the “stupid, cocky ones self-destruct.” Rather than making aggressive moves, he plans to allow his leadership qualities to emerge naturally which may mask the fact that he can, at times, be competitive and almost predatory.

Mike resides in Marina del Rey, Calif. and his birthday is March 13.

So by enetering this pool I could win $100. I think that Mike is going to be a huge threat, BUT I do beleive he will win, for a couple of reasons.

  • His birthday is March 13 and my oldest daughters birthday is the same!
  • I like how he puts that he will remain copperative & low key so the "stupid, cocky ones self-destruct." Oh ya, he knows what he's doing!
  • His age...

So come along with me while I eat up the winter with some yummy Survivor!

Friday, September 11, 2009

~the day

simple is my motto today as I hold all those who are hurting because of what today means in their hearts...

Thursday, September 10, 2009


yep, ladies & gents that's me! Ha ha, okay just kidding, but seriously my 18 month old is still nursing & really, I don't want to stop. But what is with lots & lots of people suggesting that "its about time she got off that stuff" or "yes, you should wean her." Like why should I get her off the breast? For the most part I'm only feeding her to sleep (okay I know that's a no no, but I've done it from day one & DO NOT appreciate your opinion on that one!).

There is times when I think it's time she's cut off... like the times when I think about going on a far off exotic vacation all alone when the children are left with their father (who am I kidding?) Or the time when I want to come home sloppy drunk & remain drunk for weeks (ya, that is so me, eh?) and sometimes when I just want to lay her down to sleep in her bed & be on my merry way doing absolutely nothing like blogging or face booking!

But I have a ton of reasons why I want to continue and plan to continue for a bit yet... And if you insist I'll give you a few of them:

♥She's my baby, my last baby (the cord is cut & the sample has been given, no more babies) and I can't seem to come to grips that I will never have this bond with another child in my whole entire life. I want to make it last as long as I possibly can.
♥It's healthy for her, but it's healthy for me too! Did you know that breastfeeding can cut your risk of breast cancer? Well that's reason enough keep her attached if you ask me!
♥I love the time I get with her, just sitting in the rocking chair, her looking up at me, suckling away, completely content. She's a toddler now & completely on the run so when would I get my little love time? I gotta enjoy it for the now!
♥I can at any moment take away her pain & fear! All I have to offer her is 'the goods'
♥she's never been on a bottle, really, she will kinda suck one, but not that much, so why would I make her give up her sucking and loving it for a hard sippy cup?

and the main point it we love it, her & I. We both like it & I'd appreciate it if it's my decision when I stop! (but I promise to never ever ever let her come to me in public and lift my shirt & start sucking! I promise!)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

~gender differences

This might just be one of the most controversial posts I have ever written but I'm feelin it now, and whats the point of a blog if you can't be a blogger in the bloggity blog world and share what written on your heart?

This post might really piss some men off & it might make some women grin as it's written from a woman's perspective. I mean no harm by writing this post & can only share with you what I've experienced.

Let me first tell you that I am happily married to a MAN, who is like any other man. But in some ways not like any other man. He's different and he's the same. I'm sure many of you have met that man. And I mean no disrespect by bringing him into this post & am in no way angry at him for anything. I'm just thinkin...

Is this world so different from lets say.... my grandmothers day & age?? Is it? I mean, yes women can vote, women can say what they want, women can work, women can be in politics, women can go to war, woman can do LOTS of stuff. But what about the SAHM (stay at home mom)? Is she treated equally? Yes, we do make the choice (for the most part) to be stay at home moms but where is the equality between us and our other halves?

For instance... in my own personal life (& don't forget that I am happily married & love my hubby to pieces) I feel as though I need to start a revolution to make our lives "equal." Yes, Jason works and brings home a paycheck but on a level that I'm not willing to share online, I also contribute financially to the family through other ways and I feel I contribute equally to his paycheck. So because he goes away to work & brings home a paycheck it does not (in my mind) mean that he should get privileges that i do not. But yet, in this day & age, the men are getting more privileges than the SAHM. Jason gets to continually get out of the house with out any children to get a break. And maybe his way to get out of the house is simply out to his garage (detached garage I might add) and smoke a cigarette and have a beer. But he is out of the house, away from all the children (most of the time, but others he has 1 or 2 kids with him), no distractions in his "space" doing "what he enjoys." I don't get that privilege, hardly ever. I would say I could count on both hands how many times in a year I'm left to my home all alone to do what I "enjoy." Ya, it's not often. And, I allow it. I do not press for 'me time.' I repeatedly press Jason to get out of the house & enjoy himself. For example, I've been having very painful headaches for about a month now, and most of my relief comes from a deep tissue massage, which I had the opportunity to go get tonight. But, when I brought it up, I remembered that Jason was invited to go have a "guys night" and play poker. This happening as we speak, while last night he was out on his "Tuesday night Harley ride." I guess my feelings are hurt that none of the world cares if SAHM's are stuck in this rut day in & day out & then opportunity never comes up where we get to get away. Oh & if we do get to go away, I for one am always left with this guilty feeling in my gut. Like I should not be out enjoying myself while my husband is home to man the heard. Why would I leave him home to stress about it?

Holidays are another issue.... Jason and I have been married for a little over a year and we take separate holidays already! 99.9% of the time my holiday is with children & his holidays are with out children. This leave me, the SAHM feeling that I am just one big babysitter in my own home! Aren't families supposed to holiday together as 1? But financially we can't all get away together & it's been set in stone that Jason will go away 1 week out of the year with his sister and brother to a biker rally. My week or so away is always with children and seems to be more stressful on me to have to take my children out of their own home. I feel like I'm "babysitting" them in another person's house. In fact I hate leaving my house with my children to visit another person's home. And even if I'm with my husband I'm still left "babysitting" and feeling very overwhelmed. Isn't is just easier for him to go and play and me to stay at home with all of my responsibilities?

And what about toys? Why is it the average male gets to have at least 1 very very expensive toy to play with? By toys I men 4-wheelers, boats, motorbikes, ski-doo's. My toy? a $800 camera that I make money with. I'm dying to buy a new camera, BUT know it's not logical in this economy. Bills keep coming in and the money isn't readily available.

Why do men not see that in a family household men & women should be treated equally in all ways. Why doesn't a women get to have a weekly "fun" time? And why wouldn't we take it if it was offered? Why is it that men will readily take the chance to get away from their family and women will not. Why do we feel guilty about being able to get away? Why do women press men to get a break but if it's offered by a man to a woman we decline & the men is okay with it. They don't press us to get the break we most desperately need? Why will women go out & buy their man a surprise trip to get away from life (the life where their responsibilities are slim) and the men never ever get their women a trip to get away.

My theory is, men are jealous beings. They can't take it when they are stuck at home raising children while their wife is out playing. And if the wife is out playing the man instantly thinks the wife is cheating? Why do men not trust their wives how the wife trusts her husband? I think men still think of women on a lower level & don't strive to treat them equally. Why are we so separated still when it comes to equality in gender? When will it be equal?

Monday, September 7, 2009

~2 wheeled weekend!

It was a productive weekend if you ask me! The greatest part was that we were all together as a family! We did lots of fun stuff that didn't involve ever having to leave our home!
I prepped Mason's bedroom while Jason was away working & Mason has been bunking it in mom & dads room while his bedroom was "under construction." Well it is now 99.9% finished! It looks awesome thanks to the handy painting of my handsome hubby!
Jameson asked me at the beginning of summer to take his training wheels off so he could ride a 2-wheeler like his friend Landon. I did, but he was not ready to join the world of 2 wheelers yet & had to have his training wheels back on while up in Alaska (in fact I believe Papa had to buy him new ones to put on his bike!). Well this weekend we pressed forward & he is now a 2 Wheeling fool! The next morning after learning his new skill he was up first thing asking me to ride his bike. And the rest is history! He keeps getting better & better.

Of course Jameson & Connor are 2 peas in a pod & Connor must also learn this new found freedom of 2-Wheeling! He's also doing awesome! Soon they'll both be ready to jump all the hills out in the field next to our home.

We had a n awesome wiener roast on Sunday night & the kids totally enjoyed themselves! And our garages are about organized & finished! As soon as I get the laundry done & the floors washed I think I'll pull out fall decorations. Oh wait... I must make salsa & pickle beets first! Happy short week!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

~did you know?

so, I sort of know that people are stopping by to read my blog... which I am so honored that you are! But did you know that at the bottom of each blog post there is a place in which you can comment? And even if you aren't a member of blogger you can still comment? So, I'd love for you all to give me a little bloggity love when stop on by! Plus, if you have your own blog I'd love to come visit you and give you some bloggy love too!

This is a long weekend for us Canadians too! And I was honored & blessed to shoot a wedding today! I'm busy photo shopping as we speak & an so excited! Have a great rest of your long weekend!

Friday, September 4, 2009

~are you kidding me?

Yes, I know... I should bottle up her artistic ability, but none, I repeat none of my children prior to her were ever so artistic! Lucky her, I love to snap pics! And lucky lucky her I let her wear her every so brilliantly applied makeup for about an hour before I made her wash it off! and lucky lucky lucky her that i just ♥ her more than anything!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

~Kindergarten & 35

This boy started kindergarten on Tuesday! Isn't he the most handsome thing ever? His blue eyes never ever cease to give me shivers, esp. looking at them in pictures. Yep, Connor is going to be a heart throb! Taking bids now for arranged marriage!

But seriously, I'm so blessed that none of my kids are scared of school. I suppose with all the changes in their lives over the years they've had to learn to adapt quickly! I always pity the mom who has to leave their 5 year old in a classroom crying and wanting to come home. But my children, thus far, are not like that! Anyhow, Connor is well on his way to a successful year in kindergarten & I adore ADORE adore his teacher who Jameson had last year! It's going to be such a great year for him!
Somebody in our house turned 35 today! I was thinking about it... and I can't even fathom being 35. What must it be like? And not joking either. I'm closer in age to 25 than I am to 35... weird! Yep... he likes the younger bomb shells & I like the older more "mature" men! Anyhow, let me take this opportunity to say to this 35 year old "thanks for being the amazing husband & father that you are!! We love you!"

Monday, August 31, 2009

~4, 3 & 1

And they're off! I was anticipating today with so much happiness! And really, it was a good day. Jason came home last night and so was able to drop the kids off with me today. Then Connor, Karley, my hubby, & I had a TON of stuff to do as I have a honey-do list longer than santa's "good list"! So here they are on the morning of:
aren't they stunning?

This is my most beautiful Alyssa! She is in grade 4 as of today! I can remember me being in grade 4 and now my oldest baby is in grade 4! How time flies! She was the one who was definatly NOT looking forward to school this year. She was burnt out on homework toward the end of last year and so it made her not look forward to school! She's a summer girl, I suppose. Mr. Mason man started grade 3 this year! He was super excited! He's really maturing a lot lately and came home so excited that he actually gets to take AR tests this year. He has no idea, I think! He was a little upset this morning as I told him he had his old bus driver back that actually makes him behave on the bus! I was thrilled that he'd be heald accountable! Isn't his eyes gorgeous in this shot?
My Jameson... off to grade 1:( Okay, it wasn't that bad. But he sits in a DESK now and not at a table! Oh & has his deask all full of his supplies. Oh and he's gone all 5 days this year (didn't i already blog about that??). He's growing so fast & I'm excited to see his lil brain busy at work this year! Of course he came home SO exhausted he couldn't even see straight! It's gonna be a good sleep tonight! And tomorrow is Connor's first day of kindergarden! wow! Time sure flies when your having mostly fun & a little not so fun! Cheers to 2009 school year!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

~mixed feelings

My baby boy is starting FIRST grade tomorrow. I know I know, I said I couldn't wait for school to start & he's been such a nightmare this summer, in severe anger mode, but he's starting FIRST grade! This is a big step for me because in the school they attend kindergarden is part time. So Jameson was not gone all day, every day. This year, he will be gone all day, every day!

It seems just like yesterday when I was giving birth to this perfect baby boy:

And then not long after that he was this perfect toddler:

And as of tomorrow he's going to be the perfectly imperfect FIRST grader. I have mixed feelings about this, yes I do.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

~ yes sir we love NEW YORK!

Because our auntie pam lives there... (well not for long) but she bought us these shirts & so we really do love new york!

Trying to take pictures of a 1 year old is nearly impossible! I could not for the life of me get all 5 together in one shot. Oh well, another time;) (except that Connor got his shirt FULL of mud & it would NOT come out... so there is no more 5 shirts alike:( oops!)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

~it'll take you back

Do you remember before you died that John Mayers song " Your body is a Wonderland" was just coming out & making it HUGE?

And to top that off we were newlyweds?

And on top off that we were living apart as you had taken a job in the central coast area and I was stuck in Northern Nevada finishing out my last semester of school?

(oh & we were newly married & living apart?)

Oh and every single weekend you were driving the something like 6 hours to spend with your new bride?

AND to top that off when you left at the end of the weekend I was in tears & you call me from the top of the sierra nevada mountains & sing "you body is a wonderland" while I dreamed of the time you & I were going to be together as man & wife....

Do you remember that?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

~catching up a bit

Life is not always horrible in our home & we really do have lots of fun! Bath time for us most of the time is especially fun! Look at these 2 super stars hammin it up in the bathtub! Aren't they precious?

AND LOOK AT THIS HAIR! Ummm, ya he has a lot! And yes, it must prob get trimmed this week for school to start. But then again, out of all the boys, he has the BEST hair when it grows out... hmmm, now I'm think that I will let it grow all of hockey season... who needs hair cuts when your this handsome?


Introducing Little Things Photography

I'm please to announce that I've started a blog to further support my dream of becomming a professional photographer! I'm so excited & hope to further excell at my skills & also grow my business. Although I have no posted anything YET, I will, I promise! Very soon! (school starts in 1 week & time will be on my side). Check it out from time to time:
And please check out my facebook group!


Swim lessons

Last week & this week I'm finding my mornings at the pool learning 2 of them to swim, which I think both of them will FLUNK their lessons :( This little man bumped up from preschool lessons to level 2 this year, and it's a little over his head. I wish we had started him in level 1! Oh well, a few times in level 2 & he'll be good to go.

Here was their greatest spectator last week!

Miss Alyssa has been plugging her nose & that is NOT allowed in level 6 or any of the levels for that matter... she better stop it!
Mason & connor were in VBS last week & of course I didn't get any pics (although I have an insider who did and I hope intends to e-mail me some, please Sheila!) Both boys really enjoyed their time at VBS & are now looking forward to some down time at the water park this week.


Mason attended his first ever sleep away camp this summer! He had a BLAST! In face one of my greatest memories of picking him up is him crying because it was time to go home, see:

But I know he had lots of fun & was only crying because it was so short in his little life. He will definatly be going back next year! Look at the friends he made:


Connor's Summer Fun

Meet Connor's new friend Liam! This little guy & Connor hit it off from day 1. Liam lives just down the way from us & his dad is buddies with Connor's dad! So it seems perfect that they just adore each other!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

~the truth will set you free

Yesterday after I wrote and posted for all the world to see & hopefully hear my frustration I felt better. Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed with children who simply don't get it and who I am at my wits end with. I have no idea how to discipline them & what is going to start working. I don't know. I'm lost when it comes to that.

Anyway, I wrote about it and I felt better. I cried about it and I felt better. I felt bad about posting the honest to God truth about my children, and I felt better. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect. In fact, I honestly think that I am the farthest from perfect of anyone I know. I judge myself harder than I judge anyone else. I curse myself more than I curse another person. I simply know that I am a work in progress and will be for the rest of my life.

Some days, I hate my life's path. I'm not totally at peace with the direction it has taken. Some days I am in love with my life & couldn't imagine it any other way (does this mean I'm bi-polar? Maybe, but that's for the professional to decide if he so chooses to!). And yesterday was one of the days when I was overwhelmed & wondering why in the world God would entrust me with 5 children who I care for most of the time on my own. I mean most moms are single parents during the day to an extent. And I'm just flying solo a little more than the average mama bear, and I think I'm allowed to have a broken wing once in a while.

This summer has been incredibly hard for me and I have been dealing with some serious discipline/behaviour issues that have sucked me dry of the happiness I feel most days. This summer I was looking forward to a relaxing holiday with my family but ended up with the blasted stomach flu and feel I am allowed to pout about it! This summer has been a hard one with the children. I've dealt with different issues and am not sure I handled them correctly or even at all most days. This summer has been a long one in my books as I haven't slept a full night in over 18 months. I am, and admit, sleep deprived & there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I'm working on sleep training with Karley, and it's getting better. Yes I know as an infant I could have trained her, but I was not letting my 2 month old "cry it out." I still, at least 3 nights a week, am awakened by children who head to the bathroom. And being the most aware person in my home I think I simply don't allow myself to sleep deep because of the "what ifs" (like robber, fire, etc). Sleep I need.

I can not tell you the last time I spent more than 2 nights away on my own with friends with 0 children present. I don't know about you other moms out there, but I would die for a week away, someplace I want to be, with my best friends! And that's not an option that is given to me in this life. I accept it, but I'm allowed to be a little envious of those who do get those breaks! Jealousy I think is bad, but don't we all have it time to time? I'm jealous of my husband and the 1 time a year he gets to go away with his best friends doing what he loves. I'm jealous of it, but I do realize he needs it too.

It's ridiculous to think that anyone besides these children's parents should take care of 5 children at once. So that leaves Jason & I to give each other breaks, and it simply isn't working out for me! Needless to say I'm looking forward to the day when my baby girl is old enough to stay home alone & I can go away all alone & do whatever I want. I dream about travelling exotic countries, sitting on the beach in Hawaii, just seeing 'stuff'. I have no desire to be where I've already been and do what I've already done! I wanna cover new ground & someday, given that I'm not dead before than, I will be on fresh soil.

Telling the truth on my blog has made me feel "real." My life is not perfect, like I said it's the farthest from perfect of anyone I know. But being real about it and blogging about it helps me!

Monday, August 17, 2009

~I never thought....

I'd be hoping and praying for school to start! I didn't think I'd be the mom who couldn't wait for school to begin and the last couple of weeks of summer simply couldn't go fast enough. Well that's where I am at. This is me as of about 20 seconds ago:

And I'm a mess. I have so many different behavioral directions that these kids are taking, and I can't keep up. Lets just do a run down & if anyone has any help or advice for me, esp. those of you who have multiple children as I do!

Meet Alyssa:
Don't let this little sweet face fool you. She is my drama, my mouth, my attitude, my fire starter. She seriously starts about 85% of all issues around our house (issues being fights, arguments, punching matches, etc.).

The other night I was out mowing the lawn and I walked into the house to check on the kids as they were to be in bed. I came down stairs to Alyssa running out of her room screaming at the top of her lungs that she hates her brother & is gonna kill him someday. I was ticked to say the least. Her & Jameson both ended up grounded for 1 week. In the morning they both begged me to do work & get out of their grounding. Do I have STUPID written across my head, because I let them. Now, it wasn't easy work, it was work, but nevertheless they got away with it, and were basically grounded for 1 day.

Just this morning I was dropping 2 kids off at VBS while the other 3 sat in the car & waited for me. I came back to a screaming 6 year old telling me that his sister slapped him across the face. Truth be told they both slapped each other across the face. I mean, who in the world could imagine their children thinking it's okay to slap each other across the faces? Obviously my sweet lil babies think it's okay. The funny thing is, the 2 who were going to VBS were taken out of swim lessons themselves because of bad behaviour and as I'm on my way to take Alyssa and 6 year old monster to swim lessons, they start this crap? What gives?

And to top of miss Innocent (if you ask her) I just got after Jameson for some terrible behaviour and all the sudden she's miss sweet as can be. As soon as I start yelling & having a nervous breakdown on one of the other kids she as perfect as can be. Manipulative? yes, I think so.

Don't get me wrong, Alyssa has some amazing qualities about her. Sometimes, the drama and the bad bad bad attitude really outweighs the rest.

Meet Mason:

Again, don't let these gorgeous blue eyes get ya. This kid has been some of my most trying times since I came into his life at the age of 4. Mason's mom died when he was 3 years old and his dad married me when he was 4.5. After Mason's mom died he was the rock that held his dad together and his dad was the rock that held him together. They created a bond that no one was ever going to come between. Fast forward to when his dad was ready to move on and fall in love again and I enter his life. I think from the beginning this kid hated me for taking his dad away from him. I mean what kid wouldn't? He had his dad to himself 99% of the time and then me & my rotten kids came into his life and it fell apart all over again. First he loses his mom & then in a sense he loses his dad. So I can't blame him when I put it into that perspective. But this is also the kid who I think is almost genius. He knows how to play it. As soon as dad is home (dad has been working away a lot) his behaviour becomes a night mare and the respect & love he showed me for however long is gone. He is also the kid who could easily man handle me and take me out if he wanted. This child of mine is the one I'm scared of as he matures & grows. What's he going to do to me once he turns 16?

My mason has mastered lying to me. He rarely tells me the truth when it comes to any event in our home. I have come to the point where I don't even believe him anymore. Mason is the child who acts like the "dad" most times when it comes to the other children in our home bosses them around & isn't afraid to use authority with them. He thinks he knows all and isn't afraid to make sure each and every one of them knows that he knows it all.

Mason is my child who since I have moved into his home has kept me away many hours at night. He's up repeatedly to the bathroom and each time he wakes me up, which frustrates me to no end.

But mason also is the biggest help as far as kids are concerned in my home. He is the first one that I call on anytime I need anything around the house & he's normally the first one that comes running when I need help. Mason has so many good qualities and when I'm stuck in this funk of 'naughtiness' it's really hard for me to see.

Meet Jameson:
This is my son who just today screamed at me and said "you hate me, you want me to die, I wish I killed myself" He has such anger issues and is my child who simply can not take any type of discipline. I try to use a timeout method on him by sending him to his room to diffuse and he smashes holes in his walls with hockey sticks. He tells me all the time that he hate me. He screams at his siblings all the time that he hates them. And today for the first time he screamed at his baby sister. Currently, at this very moment, he has me in tears because I just want to walk into his room and scream in his face to get him to stop opening and slamming his bedroom door. Opening it and screaming out the door at me, begging me to only ground him for only 1 day, when he pressed me to the limits of adding more & more days to his punishment. I'm so frustrated with this kid. He keeps screaming things out this door & spitting on the floor. He tries to manipulate me by saying if I only give him 1 day then he'll be good. But if I don't give him 1 day then he's going to "never ever listen to me, break toys & spill ice cream all over the house."

This kid has me flabbergasted. I don't know what to do for him or to him to make his life easier. He and Alyssa scream and say terrible things to each other all the time. She pushes him to the limits and he loses it and can't diffuse himself. He can not calm down until he gets to the brink and I have to give in somehow to get him to calm down.

I mean what 6 year old says he's going to kill himself? I had him to his doctor & she was worried about depression. So I started researching it online and his symptoms don't really go along with childhood depression.

I feel so sorry for this child. He was born into a home with 1 parent as his father died. For the first 8 months I raised him on my own with little help. At that point I moved into my parents house & they helped me raise him for the next year. I moved out on my own after that, but with-in walking distance of my parents house. I then met Jason and moved to Canada and as soon as I moved here this poor child got a fraction of the attention that he had back home. I had major issues to deal with when I moved here & because he was just an easy laid back kid, he got little to no attention.

So is this my fault? Did I create this kid? How do I turn around this terrible behaviour and how to I make him secure in whats going on in his life?

Meet Connor:

When Mason was 5 I had major major behaviour issues with him. His year of kindergarten was a nightmare. And now begins the next era of phone calls to mom from school. This child is starting to cause so much little things in this house. Recently in the last 6 months he has been caught steeling money 2x out of his siblings rooms, he deliberately starts fights with Jameson just to get the fight outta him. When told to stop doing something it's like he has 1 lane of vision. I had guys working in the garage the other day & Connor (who didn't know these guys from anywhere) caught a grasshopper & went and shoved it in the ones face. When told to stop he simply walked over to the other guy & shoved the grasshopper in his face. It wasn't until I actually yelled at him that he stopped.

*sigh* I could go on and on but I am freaking exhausted... I guess I will continue this post later and discuss Mr Connor more & miss no sleep Karley and the fact that I;m basically single parenting it right now & it seems that everyone thinks its okay that as Jason works he gets holidays with now kids (which yes I agree that he deserves to get away, but hello PEOPLE, I moved to Canada to care for these children, WHAT ABOUT ME? When do I get a break.

I can't wait for school to start!

Oh & can someone please call Super Nanny? I can't do this anymore and need help!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

~the chance to say goodbye

**caution- if you intend to watch:

Do not read this blog entry as it contains spoilers! And I do highly recommend this movie!**

I went to the show last night, awesome chick flick! I loved it. I did get teary eyed (not as much as my girlfriend who I went with) but more than sad it really sparked me to get thinking. First I instantly thought of:Jeff (for those of you who don't know, he was my first husband who died in a tragic car accident in 2003). Not in a sad sort of way, remembering the accident that took his life. But more along the lines of never having the chance to say goodbye. He was taken so fast that there was never a chance to hug on him, kiss his face, cry and say goodbye as Claire did with Henry (in The Time Travelers Wife) while he was on his way out. I thought about how fortunate Claire was to be able to tell Henry goodbye.
Anyway, it made me think about death as a whole, as it surrounds us each and every day. What would it be for each of us to know that the time was coming for one of our loved ones or ourselves was coming that we were going to die. Would most people say goodbye and be able to accept it and move on in their lives? How would it be if we all knew?
There were lots of times when I thought about Jeff and his last moments laying on a ER bed with no one but doctors working on him. None of his family was with him to hold his hand as he crossed to the other side. Sometimes I really hate that I didn't get to say goodbye to my sweet dear loving hubby. I never ever saw him after he passed away, and I think in a way that was a bad choice. I wish I had a few moments (hours) with his dead body to tell him all the things that would have come into my mind to tell him. I would have stroked his sweet cheek, kissed his cold lips, hugged his lifeless body and said so many things that I have wanted to say.
So I guess if I had the moment to do over again, I'd take the opportunity to say my goodbyes in the last moment of desperation.
As far as The Time Travelers Wife it was a very good, slow moving, mind boggling movie, and I think most women would love it!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

~one of those deep kinda posts

So, I'm sitting her pondering a few things tonight. I guess I really don't want this blog to be a 'photography' only blog. I do love this new found passion of mine, but I've always been a person who 'wears my heart on my sleeve' and needs to talk about my feelings. And tonight is just one of those night when I'm not necessarily in a sad mood, I'm not mad, I'm not happy, I'm not really anything but reflective. And tonight I'm reflecting on FRIENDSHIPS.

So, most of us know that marriage is a hard hard relationship to maintain, one that for most of us, we treasure and take care of like it were a fine diamond. Other relationships that I find hard are the mother/child relationship. Each child's dynamics are so different and that means you can never parent each child the same. I find it so hard to find that happy medium. The 3rd relationship that I find myself stressing or fretting the most over is friends.

Why is is so hard for some friendships to last and to be good friendships? I mean, do you believe with your whole heart that people simply come into your live for a 'reason, season or lifetime?' Cause I do when it comes to friends. I look back at the many different directions friendships have taken in my life, and there are very few in which I regret the direction they took. I do look WAY back into like Jr. high and high school days and think about how stupid i was when I choose my friends (i always wanted to chum with the "cool" crowd, and those were not good friends and in the end I pushed away the people in my life who would have made life long girlfriends:( I do regret that). But fast forward to the present... I have a few different groups of friends and I'm quickly finding myself knowing who I want as a part of my forever. I really am sure when it comes to lots of them.

BUT... there is this few so called friends who I can't even be myself when I am around them (no this has nothing to do with the beaver girls). I seriously get anxiety when i even talk to them on the phone. I'm always afraid of being judged, of being talked about, of learning the truth from them. I'm to the point where I can't live my life thinking about what they're thinking about me! I have to let it go and let all the pieces fall into place. I do not trust these girls one little bit. I know that they have lied to me numerous times and now I wonder to myself why am I even trying to maintain these friendships?

So, how does one go about ending a friendship with no hard feelings? How does one stop talking to someone who you seem to have so many mutual relationships? And why am I writing this blog about it and why do I care?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

~need help

I'm loving this photography thing- SEE:

My issue is, I'm totally thinking on starting a business. I'm only doing these pics as sort of a business... I mean I haven't officially named myself yet, I don't have a business license, I'm not making killer money, I'm doing it for the fun, love & creative outlet involved in photography.

So, I'm stuck. Help me my bloggy friends, whats my next step & what do i do? Am I good enough to start up a very part time business?? Any insight is good!

Friday, July 31, 2009

~recipe for disaster!

It's been a long long time coming, but it's fianlly blew up... Well let me just explain myself a little!

Now... back up... well lets say 16 or so months! Exhibit A:
Karley Mae! Mommy has 4 kids already who just happen to be on spring break when I bring this sweet thing home! And my house went KAAAA BOOOOMMMM

Okay, exhibit B, C, & D:

My life as a hockey mom- you all heard Sarah Palin either during the election or shortly after... thats right I'm a HOCKEY MOM! And I actually think thats self explanatory! I mean... HOLY MAN was I busy!
Exhibit E:
My lil snow bunny! She wants to be at the ski hill as often as I will let her! Luckily the ski bus gets her only blocks away and brings her back! Throw this into a hockey schedule & look out! Oh and on top of that... She tries gymnastics, speed skating, NUMBEROUS sleepovers & play dates! She keeps me hoppin!

Exhibit F:
Mix into all that, the handsome man above who didn't work for almost 5 months... And let me tell you...
This all was a recipe for DISASTER!!! My house has become a place where I feel sick! I can't decide if I'm coming or going while I'm in it...
so what have I been doing? (well besides taking pictures & absolutely loving it?) ORGANIZING!
So thats why I haven't been around!
(whew I'm outta breath!)