Wednesday, September 9, 2009

~gender differences


This might just be one of the most controversial posts I have ever written but I'm feelin it now, and whats the point of a blog if you can't be a blogger in the bloggity blog world and share what written on your heart?

This post might really piss some men off & it might make some women grin as it's written from a woman's perspective. I mean no harm by writing this post & can only share with you what I've experienced.

Let me first tell you that I am happily married to a MAN, who is like any other man. But in some ways not like any other man. He's different and he's the same. I'm sure many of you have met that man. And I mean no disrespect by bringing him into this post & am in no way angry at him for anything. I'm just thinkin...

Is this world so different from lets say.... my grandmothers day & age?? Is it? I mean, yes women can vote, women can say what they want, women can work, women can be in politics, women can go to war, woman can do LOTS of stuff. But what about the SAHM (stay at home mom)? Is she treated equally? Yes, we do make the choice (for the most part) to be stay at home moms but where is the equality between us and our other halves?

For instance... in my own personal life (& don't forget that I am happily married & love my hubby to pieces) I feel as though I need to start a revolution to make our lives "equal." Yes, Jason works and brings home a paycheck but on a level that I'm not willing to share online, I also contribute financially to the family through other ways and I feel I contribute equally to his paycheck. So because he goes away to work & brings home a paycheck it does not (in my mind) mean that he should get privileges that i do not. But yet, in this day & age, the men are getting more privileges than the SAHM. Jason gets to continually get out of the house with out any children to get a break. And maybe his way to get out of the house is simply out to his garage (detached garage I might add) and smoke a cigarette and have a beer. But he is out of the house, away from all the children (most of the time, but others he has 1 or 2 kids with him), no distractions in his "space" doing "what he enjoys." I don't get that privilege, hardly ever. I would say I could count on both hands how many times in a year I'm left to my home all alone to do what I "enjoy." Ya, it's not often. And, I allow it. I do not press for 'me time.' I repeatedly press Jason to get out of the house & enjoy himself. For example, I've been having very painful headaches for about a month now, and most of my relief comes from a deep tissue massage, which I had the opportunity to go get tonight. But, when I brought it up, I remembered that Jason was invited to go have a "guys night" and play poker. This happening as we speak, while last night he was out on his "Tuesday night Harley ride." I guess my feelings are hurt that none of the world cares if SAHM's are stuck in this rut day in & day out & then opportunity never comes up where we get to get away. Oh & if we do get to go away, I for one am always left with this guilty feeling in my gut. Like I should not be out enjoying myself while my husband is home to man the heard. Why would I leave him home to stress about it?

Holidays are another issue.... Jason and I have been married for a little over a year and we take separate holidays already! 99.9% of the time my holiday is with children & his holidays are with out children. This leave me, the SAHM feeling that I am just one big babysitter in my own home! Aren't families supposed to holiday together as 1? But financially we can't all get away together & it's been set in stone that Jason will go away 1 week out of the year with his sister and brother to a biker rally. My week or so away is always with children and seems to be more stressful on me to have to take my children out of their own home. I feel like I'm "babysitting" them in another person's house. In fact I hate leaving my house with my children to visit another person's home. And even if I'm with my husband I'm still left "babysitting" and feeling very overwhelmed. Isn't is just easier for him to go and play and me to stay at home with all of my responsibilities?

And what about toys? Why is it the average male gets to have at least 1 very very expensive toy to play with? By toys I men 4-wheelers, boats, motorbikes, ski-doo's. My toy? a $800 camera that I make money with. I'm dying to buy a new camera, BUT know it's not logical in this economy. Bills keep coming in and the money isn't readily available.

Why do men not see that in a family household men & women should be treated equally in all ways. Why doesn't a women get to have a weekly "fun" time? And why wouldn't we take it if it was offered? Why is it that men will readily take the chance to get away from their family and women will not. Why do we feel guilty about being able to get away? Why do women press men to get a break but if it's offered by a man to a woman we decline & the men is okay with it. They don't press us to get the break we most desperately need? Why will women go out & buy their man a surprise trip to get away from life (the life where their responsibilities are slim) and the men never ever get their women a trip to get away.

My theory is, men are jealous beings. They can't take it when they are stuck at home raising children while their wife is out playing. And if the wife is out playing the man instantly thinks the wife is cheating? Why do men not trust their wives how the wife trusts her husband? I think men still think of women on a lower level & don't strive to treat them equally. Why are we so separated still when it comes to equality in gender? When will it be equal?

10 comments:

Amie said...

oh girlfriend we need to talk. this is my life to a T.i understand everything you just said and am frustrated in the same ways.

lgperich said...

Alexa......

So WELL written! Love it and totally identify with it. I totally hear you....the other day when we were on holidays my hubby decides that he isn't going to be around for a whole day. He hasn't even mentioned this to me....and doesn't feel the need to....because when I decided to stay home with the kids it someone made me responsible for them 24-7....I've said numerous times to him that it must be nice to go and do what you want, when you want, without having to drag the kids along with you ever. When do I decide I am just taking off and just assume I don't have to mention it and that someone will just be there to look after OUR kids??? But apparently that has become my job? I can't decide I'm going to the store without mentioning it to him,and lucking out that he's going to be around to watch the kids so I can go alone. Don't get me wrong....I definitely have ME time and don't feel guilty. One night I was out playing volleyball and Mac wasn't feeling good. I still went to Rossco's afterwards and I remember getting the call that Mackenzie was throwing up. I'm like so deal with it....what am I supposed to do, run home and change her sheets and clean her up??? Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to pieces but sometimes you have to step up without asking for my help. Maybe you need to join my volleyball team?? We play Monday nights from Sept til the end of March.....unless you are a super vball player...cause my team is just out for a good time....lol. Dino also has a team....but they were Team 1 out of 40 for the whole season and lost out of staying number one by 2 games....lol....so they are super competitive. But basically just wanted to let you know I hear you as a SAHM.....Lisa :)

Raising Z said...

I am with you on this one. I have a wonderful husband as well but I feel guilty whenever I ask for a little "me" time. Yet he goes golfing, on camping trips etc. claiming he needs the downtime. I understand that but so do I!! I love your blog :)

Alexa said...

did I say toys that he paid cash for with money he had before we met? Guess not, I shoulda mentioned that in all fairness to him!

Brandy said...

I think it would be best for all of you ladies who feel this way to find a MOPS group. It allows you that "me" time during the day. Your kids would be getting a great lesson in their childcare rooms and you would get about 2 hours of grown up conversations with other mommies. It saved my life, and maybe even my marriage. My husband is very supportive of me taking time out. I know what I need in order to be a better wife, mom, and overall person. You have to take control. Your husband has a lot on is plate too....it is just a different plate.

I highly encourage you to check out a MOPS group near you.
www.mops.org

Melissa said...

Very well written!!! Amen sista!!

debr said...

Oh my--you are describing the lives of every SAHM that I know!! Without a doubt, they have a better deal in that they do not share the responsibility equally!

Emily said...

I saw what was left of your post on the mckmama forum. I feel your pain. I think for me, it is more about how guilty I feel buying things for myself or taking time to myself. My DH- he doesn't seem to have that problem! ha!

The Queen of Chaos said...

I am fortunate to have one heck of a great partner in life. He makes sure that I get my "ME" time; I'm pretty darned unhappy if I don't get it. Have you considered talking to him about the need for a break once a week? Perhaps just a half hour to run to Starbucks alone, or for a manicure. I used to get a 1 hour massage a week...ahhhhhhhhh.......it was heavenly.

You seriously need to carve out this time for yourself, you'll be amazed at the difference as will he!

All My Monkeys said...

I hear ya, LOUD AND CLEAR. In fact, we are currently having an argument about him getting a new boat (and did I mention we already have one we have used twice in the past 3 yrs?) when I don't have a finished bedroom of my own, or kitchen cabinets, or a decent car, or a comfortable bra. I also feel like that babysitter. But I learned the long hard way, that I have to "demand" it from him, and deal with the guilt for a while, and eventually it just gets to be almost normal. Granted, my night out is while he's working and I pay a babysitter, but I decided that that was important to put in the budget. Now, if I can only find a way to build in weekly massages... :D