~blessed for FOUR years now!

My baby girl turned 4 today! It's such a bittersweet day. I'm so amazed at the little girl shes becoming but I'm so blessed to have her as such a special part of my life... My baby. Here she is through the years- clockwise from top left- Newborn (10 days old), 1 year (in her birthday tutu), 2 years, 3 years! Now I need to get her 4 year old photos booked!



Happy Birthday Karley Mae!

At 4 your:
loveable
huggable
mommies girl
sassy
sometimes sour
still not sleeping good
good at making up your mind for yourself
spoiled
loved by many
a good friend to many

...always my baby!



I love you and am looking forward to many more celebrations as you turn a year older! x0x0

~my fault

I bluntly must state that it's my fault.

It's my fault that I am going through any and all struggles that I am facing right now. It's my fault that I didn't trust Him in my deepest darkest moments. It's my fault that I questioned His reasons for each and every moment. It's my fault that the steps taken have led me to THIS.VERY.MOMENT.

THIS.MOMENT where I am full of a whole bunch of thoughts about how I've come here. About how His grace has saved me and brought me to my very knees shaking begging and being given a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth chance.

THIS.VERY.MOMENT I am going to choose to be thankful for the trials that my sweet son, Jameson, has faced & caused me to face these last few months. It's because of his persistence (almost nagging) that I am now becoming plugged into a church where I feel like I can't slip in & hide. Where eventually the real story of me is going to come out, where I'm going to be pushed to the very edge of my faith and brought back home. Where I can share how nearly 9 years later I will believe & have the same faith as I did that very day in April 2003.

THIS.VERY.MOMENT I am thankful because Jameson continues to ask me each and every night to pray with him. He is on fire for our God and he has made the flame burn faster & hotter than it has in a long time in me. This son of mine has brought back the very chance to have these conversations with God. The ones I wasn't having for a long long time.

THIS.VERY.MOMENT it's my fault that I haven't been living in word. I haven't trusted him, but he made himself appear to me through my son. Although I knew the truth all the time, I wasn't living it.

It's my fault I'm going to push my family to the edge... we're going to live the good life. Thankful for what we have each day. In love with one another. We're going to do it. We really are.

HE is pulling me back in

It's time to be real. It's time to write exactly whats going on.

God is after me. He is after my heart. He deeply desires me to obey all that he has planned for me in life. He deeply wants me to come home.

Back in 2003 I left home, the home that Jesus Christ has for me. Although I always believed in him, I wasn't following him. And as I would make 1 step forward in my healing, I would be taken 4 or 5 steps back.

It's amazing how in 1 moment things have changed. God used & is using my beautiful children to get back into my heart. He has put the right people in my life at the right time. He is standing right in front of me and now I'm ready to run into his arms again.

I'm not perfect, but I've been living my life farther from Him than I ever remember in my adult years.

Here is what is happening to me: My son, Jameson, who is the Child to myself and my deceased husband Jeff, has been having a really hard time. He is suffering from major anxiety, having extreme behavioral outburst's, and is extremely sad ALL.THE.TIME. This is the child who has never in his life given me any grief. He has been nearly perfect since the day he was dropped from heaven into my arms, a reminder of the great love from my God and the gift that was left to me form his dad, Jeff. During this difficult time he has been asking me time & again why we don't go to church anymore, why we don't pray, If I believe in God, if other important people in our lives believe in God, Etc etc.

I believe God is using this bump in the road of raising my son to get back to Him, get me back home. Start living whole again. And from this day on I'm going to obey. I'm walking with him, not against him!

Jer 29:11- He knows his plans!

So follow me as I continue my little blog about my little family, because blogging makes me happy, my family makes me happy, and God makes me happy!