~my fault

I bluntly must state that it's my fault.

It's my fault that I am going through any and all struggles that I am facing right now. It's my fault that I didn't trust Him in my deepest darkest moments. It's my fault that I questioned His reasons for each and every moment. It's my fault that the steps taken have led me to THIS.VERY.MOMENT.

THIS.MOMENT where I am full of a whole bunch of thoughts about how I've come here. About how His grace has saved me and brought me to my very knees shaking begging and being given a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth chance.

THIS.VERY.MOMENT I am going to choose to be thankful for the trials that my sweet son, Jameson, has faced & caused me to face these last few months. It's because of his persistence (almost nagging) that I am now becoming plugged into a church where I feel like I can't slip in & hide. Where eventually the real story of me is going to come out, where I'm going to be pushed to the very edge of my faith and brought back home. Where I can share how nearly 9 years later I will believe & have the same faith as I did that very day in April 2003.

THIS.VERY.MOMENT I am thankful because Jameson continues to ask me each and every night to pray with him. He is on fire for our God and he has made the flame burn faster & hotter than it has in a long time in me. This son of mine has brought back the very chance to have these conversations with God. The ones I wasn't having for a long long time.

THIS.VERY.MOMENT it's my fault that I haven't been living in word. I haven't trusted him, but he made himself appear to me through my son. Although I knew the truth all the time, I wasn't living it.

It's my fault I'm going to push my family to the edge... we're going to live the good life. Thankful for what we have each day. In love with one another. We're going to do it. We really are.