Tuesday, April 28, 2009

~The dreaded date again...

Because today is here, it's another year with out him. 6 to be exact. Seems to long, but I can feel his last touch like it was yesterday. I can see his smile in my mind like he's right in front of me. I can feel his spirit all around me, I feel like he is here.

I'm sitting here wondering why April 28 will never just be another day? It's just a date on the calendar. But I guess it'll never be another day because it's the day that the biggest change ever happened in my life. The day Jeff died was bigger than ever having children, then getting a speeding ticket, then getting caught sneaking out in high school. It changed who I am today and who I will be for all the rest of my days.... How I feel today is how I think I'll feel for all the rest of the days of my life. And it's not that I'm not happy, I am. I have the most amazing family! I would not have this lovely perfect (utterly non-perfect) life if he didn't die. I guess today is just a day that I mark because I am who I am today because of that day- get it?

So as another year passes by I mark it with 6 (6 years gone, duh!) things that I desperatly miss about him:

1. His smile... look at it, isn't is amazing? And honestly that smile happened DAILY! Even if he was having a horrible day, his smile was there. Even if I was me, who Jason can terstify, am not perfect AT ALL, he would smile at me.
2. His faith in God, which had nothing to do with me. He was so at peace with his life, he was happy where he was at and where he was going.
3. I miss going to be leaving him out on the couch reading till all hours of the night.
4. I miss watching Alyssa watch him walk up the way after he got home from work, so excited she could hardly contain herself.
5. I miss hearing his drums pound, although I'm sure it was not as often as he'd have liked because he sacrificed so much for his family.
6. I miss how he was helping me become a more faithful, better person.
* On a side note, jason just commented to me, that last year I was "so good" and he thought I was "over it". Do you ever really get over losing a spouse I wonder? I wonder if it would be easier for me if I lived in an area where he & I shared all of our memories? If I had a grave to visit? Would it be easier & would I get over it? I doubt it. So if your one of those people waiting for me to get over it, keep on waiting.


Colin said...

Nice little tribute on this day Alexa. You never get over it, and you aren't expected to either. Stay strong, and grieve or recognize Jeff and this day however you see fit.

I couldn't imagine what Jason or yourself have gone through. You two truly are phenomenal couple and have a wonderful family.

God bless on this day!

Carrie said...

Here's what I've learned this year:

Time doesn't make things better, we just learn to live around the holes left by our losses. There may come a point when you have a rough day and think to yourself that “enough time has passed” and that you shouldn't feel like you’re back on square one. On those days remember that the hole is there and nothing is going to fill the space left by the absence of your Jeff so it’s ok to fall in the hole every now and then and to grieve and cry and be mad as hell. We need the holes to remind us of how much we love the one’s we miss. Grief is a process, not a destination, and learning to live around the hole is not an easy or a pleasant task; it’s possible, but it’s painful.