Monday, April 28, 2008

5 long/short years

Today is 5 years since Jeff passed- wow- 5 YEARS..... How the time flies... but yet how it also drags on. So much has changed but so much has remained the same. As I sit here this morning with my hot tea and ponder the last 5 years a smile glances across my mouth and then a tear rolls down my cheek.
I'll never forget the day he died, never. It was the worst day of my life, honestly, the worst day of all time and eternity. To find out your husband has been hit by a car and died from the accident is so mind sickening. To be 8 months pregnant with a son who was supposed to be born into a "family" who loved and wanted him and couldn't wait to share him. To have a relationship with God that was so strong and have that shattered to never be the same. 5 years later it is still my hope that Jeff did not suffer in the midst of being hit by that car and then dying. I pray and I hope that his soul left his body that instant and he felt no pain. 5 years ago I was so sad.

Today I am so happy. I am married to the most amazing man and I have the most amazing family. I believe I have changed and grown so much. I love who I am today! Someone once asked me what I would do if Jeff came back... and I can't even fathom what I would do, thats why it wont ever happen. That situation is irrelevant because he is dead and people don't come back from the dead. I'm happily married and love my 5 children so much that I want to live for them and for the future.

Thats not to say that I don't miss Jeff, I do. I miss him, his smile... that smile was beautiful. I miss his faith... faith that could move mountains. I miss his patience.... the ones he had when I was at my wits end. I miss his touch.... how gentle he was with his each movement. I miss his mind.... how he really thought about so much. I miss his relationship with his parents.... how he loved his mother so much. I guess I just miss him! I think of him all the time- most of the time I do think of him there is this little stab in my heart for all the pain I went through from losing him.

But here I am today- looking at my life today and I couldn't ask for more! Carl Sandburg (taken from my baby announcement) said, " A baby is God's opinion that life should go on." And now that Jason and I have our beautiful Karley I believe that this life is going on! What a gift from up above we have received. And how happy I am to have this life I have.

1 comment:

Yarngoddess said...

With death, the words are never quite right. I know how you feel, as it's been a very long time since my dad died, and yet sometimes it still feels like yesterday. Your post was lovely and thoughtfull. Your hope, love, faith in tomorrow is just as important as remembering the past. I think you have been blessed with a beautiful family, and it's that much more beautiful for having gone through the worst to get it.

Kellie Morgan-Shankles