A little birdie came & told me the other day that a certain someone says I'm "wierd" when it comes to what I put on my blog. GUESS WHAT? It's MY BLOG & I can write what I WANT! So please, you know who you are, please stay off my blog!
Because of you some children who had a chance to become really good friends, no longer have that chance! You know who you are!
Also, this blog will be going "private" very soon, before I write again. If you would like to keep reading, please comment on this post with your e-mail address!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
~Musings 7 years out
It's simply mind boggling to me that it's been 7 years since Jeff went to heaven. (For those of you who don't know my story read instalment #1 of the story here.)
Here are my thoughts 7 years later...
It still hurts. He still got hit by a car and the vision of him flying through the air, and all the nastiness that happened after still lingers in my thoughts. The whole day is still a very clear vision to me. I remember every single little detail, every single one. I remember the pure hell I went through & it still hurts.
It feels different than it did when it was the first year anniversary of his death. The first year was physically painful & it felt like I was dying. I wanted to gouge my eyes out in order to not feel the pain. Years 2-4 were causing me anxiety cause I knew it was leading up to year 5, 5 years since Jeff had died. And year 5 was weird... it really felt like a dream... like really, 5 years ago my beloved died. Year 6 was nothing big, but year 7, like really 7 years ago my life as I know it now began? Really, 7 years? Can it be true?
It was a normal day, I mean one must live their daily life. But still, it lingers. The time flashes across the clock... And I know that around that time he was hit by the car. And I know that at another time I was called, and then the other time he was dead. And then the other time on the clock... i was not longer at the hospital. I left it alone w/o my husband. And than I clearly remember the first night i was a widow.
I was scared to go home... like really? Was some one going to rob me? I don't know why. Someone had to go to my apt. for me to get clothing for my 3 year old. I remember sitting my darling Alyssa down & telling her that daddy was never coming home again, oh God that hurt. To this day recalling that memory still hurts. Still makes me cry. I remember sleeping in Jeff's sisters bed. It wasn't even discussed... I was just sleeping there with my baby girl. I remember running my hand over my 8 month pregnant belly... crying, not being able to sleep. Tossing and turning. My son was going to grow up w/o a dad. Why was this my life.
You know, before this big fat nightmare happened I never ever ever imagined that my i mean MY husband would be taken from me. Not me, I wasn't one of the few (now I know so many are) that was going to be a young widow. Nope, not me. Not my family. Not my children. But today, 7 years + 1 day later I am still a widow deep in my heart. I don't care what anyone says about it, I still loved & lost and lost bigger than most can even imagine.
7 years + 1 day... I still miss him!
Here are my thoughts 7 years later...
It still hurts. He still got hit by a car and the vision of him flying through the air, and all the nastiness that happened after still lingers in my thoughts. The whole day is still a very clear vision to me. I remember every single little detail, every single one. I remember the pure hell I went through & it still hurts.
It feels different than it did when it was the first year anniversary of his death. The first year was physically painful & it felt like I was dying. I wanted to gouge my eyes out in order to not feel the pain. Years 2-4 were causing me anxiety cause I knew it was leading up to year 5, 5 years since Jeff had died. And year 5 was weird... it really felt like a dream... like really, 5 years ago my beloved died. Year 6 was nothing big, but year 7, like really 7 years ago my life as I know it now began? Really, 7 years? Can it be true?
It was a normal day, I mean one must live their daily life. But still, it lingers. The time flashes across the clock... And I know that around that time he was hit by the car. And I know that at another time I was called, and then the other time he was dead. And then the other time on the clock... i was not longer at the hospital. I left it alone w/o my husband. And than I clearly remember the first night i was a widow.
I was scared to go home... like really? Was some one going to rob me? I don't know why. Someone had to go to my apt. for me to get clothing for my 3 year old. I remember sitting my darling Alyssa down & telling her that daddy was never coming home again, oh God that hurt. To this day recalling that memory still hurts. Still makes me cry. I remember sleeping in Jeff's sisters bed. It wasn't even discussed... I was just sleeping there with my baby girl. I remember running my hand over my 8 month pregnant belly... crying, not being able to sleep. Tossing and turning. My son was going to grow up w/o a dad. Why was this my life.
You know, before this big fat nightmare happened I never ever ever imagined that my i mean MY husband would be taken from me. Not me, I wasn't one of the few (now I know so many are) that was going to be a young widow. Nope, not me. Not my family. Not my children. But today, 7 years + 1 day later I am still a widow deep in my heart. I don't care what anyone says about it, I still loved & lost and lost bigger than most can even imagine.
7 years + 1 day... I still miss him!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
~Tired
I am so tired & weary these last couple of days. I can't seem to pin point what exactly it is that is making me feel physically & mentally exhausted, but I need to snap out of it.
I have a clue as to what a few of these things are, in no particular order.
FACE BOOK- It is plain and simple a toxic place. Lies happen there, people find ways to not deal with life on a face to face basis, They can snoop into others life and real communication doesn't have to happen. It's easy to conceive & think up false accusations. On tops of all that, it's easy to waste precious valuable time on such a pointless site.
That being said, I love face book. I love it for the simple fact that it's wast to be in contact with those dear ones that we want to know more, or haven't seen in ages. It's connected me to so many people who I left behind when I moved away from my hometown. I left with so much hate & resentment toward people & I am seeing them in a new more "human" light! I love that it's let me grow up so much & appreciate people for being just that... people.
I love it for the sake of my photography business! It's FREE (who doesn't love free?) advertisement? Plus I love love love to look at other people's free advertisement!
I love to show off my babies. But yet, I feel so violated lately with their pics that I can't seem to show too much of them off?
So yes, face book is a toxic time waster in my life that I love...
Another exhausting area: Weight.. yes I know you who know me will flat out call me a liar- BUT I am UP, yep that's right, UP 20 pounds from when I HAD (BIRTHED) KARLEY! Hello... isn't one supposed to lose weight after baby? We'll I didn't, and I'm totally hating myself for what I consider F-A-T. Yes I said it, the image of how I look right now is disgusting & I need need need to do something about it. So I'm going to try moderate exercise, hey I have 5 kids, I rarely get time alone to do hardcore exercise, so walking will have to do! I'm also going to try some nutritional supplement stuff from Arbon, have you tried it?
Exhausting: FAITH! It's not hard to have faith, but it's hard to be disciplined enough to grow in faith. Don't get me wrong, it's not hard to talk to God, but it's hard to take the time to know as much as I want to know about him & as fast as I want to know it.
Exhausting: Children. nuff said? Well not really, my 2 year old is still NOT sleeping through the night. These last weeks have been HELL... or something I would consider close to hell. Shes been up 6-10 times a night. I have tried the crying to sleep thing. It was well over an hour & she was so worked up she couldn't have possibly fallen asleep after that. Furthermore she is not eating very well. I'm getting worried, but yet I tell myself not to worry!!!!!! She has thrown a loop into know it all parenting skills... And one of my boys is having a hard time in life right now & it just breaks my heart. It esp. hurts when all these people tell you what they think he needs but I am 1 person and can not give 1 child my undivided attention. It can't possibly work that way in a family with 5 children.
oh my list is never ending... I must try for a couple of hours of sleep!
I have a clue as to what a few of these things are, in no particular order.
FACE BOOK- It is plain and simple a toxic place. Lies happen there, people find ways to not deal with life on a face to face basis, They can snoop into others life and real communication doesn't have to happen. It's easy to conceive & think up false accusations. On tops of all that, it's easy to waste precious valuable time on such a pointless site.
That being said, I love face book. I love it for the simple fact that it's wast to be in contact with those dear ones that we want to know more, or haven't seen in ages. It's connected me to so many people who I left behind when I moved away from my hometown. I left with so much hate & resentment toward people & I am seeing them in a new more "human" light! I love that it's let me grow up so much & appreciate people for being just that... people.
I love it for the sake of my photography business! It's FREE (who doesn't love free?) advertisement? Plus I love love love to look at other people's free advertisement!
I love to show off my babies. But yet, I feel so violated lately with their pics that I can't seem to show too much of them off?
So yes, face book is a toxic time waster in my life that I love...
Another exhausting area: Weight.. yes I know you who know me will flat out call me a liar- BUT I am UP, yep that's right, UP 20 pounds from when I HAD (BIRTHED) KARLEY! Hello... isn't one supposed to lose weight after baby? We'll I didn't, and I'm totally hating myself for what I consider F-A-T. Yes I said it, the image of how I look right now is disgusting & I need need need to do something about it. So I'm going to try moderate exercise, hey I have 5 kids, I rarely get time alone to do hardcore exercise, so walking will have to do! I'm also going to try some nutritional supplement stuff from Arbon, have you tried it?
Exhausting: FAITH! It's not hard to have faith, but it's hard to be disciplined enough to grow in faith. Don't get me wrong, it's not hard to talk to God, but it's hard to take the time to know as much as I want to know about him & as fast as I want to know it.
Exhausting: Children. nuff said? Well not really, my 2 year old is still NOT sleeping through the night. These last weeks have been HELL... or something I would consider close to hell. Shes been up 6-10 times a night. I have tried the crying to sleep thing. It was well over an hour & she was so worked up she couldn't have possibly fallen asleep after that. Furthermore she is not eating very well. I'm getting worried, but yet I tell myself not to worry!!!!!! She has thrown a loop into know it all parenting skills... And one of my boys is having a hard time in life right now & it just breaks my heart. It esp. hurts when all these people tell you what they think he needs but I am 1 person and can not give 1 child my undivided attention. It can't possibly work that way in a family with 5 children.
oh my list is never ending... I must try for a couple of hours of sleep!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
~Irish Whiskey
Jameson Irish Whiskey to be exact... Oh goodness... this stuff has the potential to some sort of good...But today, as some people are thinking and discussing Jameson Irish Whiskey, it means a little something different to me than your typical St. Patty's day drink. It makes me think of this guy:
My beloved Jeff. He passed away in 2003, he was my husband. Jameson holds a special place in my heart because of this guys name:
Meet JAMESON! Yep, this dude is named after the Irish Whiskey! How cool is that?
Anyway, he got his name because there was the never ending, always on going, controversial discussion in my home about what we were going to name our baby boy. I wanted him to have the same initials as his daddy because Alyssa had (I've since remarried & have a different last name) the same initials as me. She had my same middle name, so Jeff & I knew we were going to give him Jeff's middle name. So we searched & we searched & we searched some more. We look in every baby name book w could find. We looked online. We asked suggestions for boy names. Nothing stuck out as something we really wanted until one night. Jeff loved to just 'sip' on Jameson Irish Whiskey. And this particular night he was sipping away... and 'POOF' right in front of our eyes was the bottle. And we both loved the name. LOVED IT! And Jameson simply fits the lil man to a tee!
I'm so thankful that he was named before his daddy passed away! Jeff loved them name & he loved Jameson Irish Whiskey! So today is a perfect day to tip the glass to him! ~cheers~
Saturday, March 13, 2010
~10
Today my oldest turned 10... THE BIG 1-0. I really have a ten year old, and it doesn't seem right. Today was probably the slowest day EVER for her! She had to wait till 3 pm for all of her friends to get here and all week there has been gifts sitting around waiting for today! I did let her open her bigger gift this morning, which did not have to be opened at all- A NEW BIKE! She was thrilled, but still wanted a i-pod touch worse (she thinks money grows on trees). As soon as most of her girlie friends arrives they broke out the tattoo kit that I picked up on the after christmas sales for something like $5.00. As you can see they were COVERED in tattoo's! I hope their mom's still talk to me after this!
Here is the birthday girl posing with her tattoo's and all 10 fingers held up! What am I going to do when she's 11???
And all the girls, hanging out! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this photo! I'll prob. love it even more when I put it into photoshop and brighten it! Look for that soon! Aren't they AWESOME?? I love all these girls! They are the BEST!
Ice cream cake, do I need to say anything else besides YUM YUM?? (of course I didn't have any-haha ya right) Isn't my girl GORGEOUS?
Only 2 candles were still burning... she has 2 boyfriends! UH OH! She wouldn't tell me who they were, BUT there was lots of whispering going on while they were eating the cake... Hmmm
Before jammie & movie time it was HOTTUB time! I was outside in the cold this morning cleaning this thing out so it would be warn in time for tonight! ANd they only stayed in for about 15 minutes! Girls....
I'm off to paint a bunch of toe nails! I can't wait! I love my big 10 year old, but it doesn't seem real that I have a 10 year old! I'm getting OLD!
Here is the birthday girl posing with her tattoo's and all 10 fingers held up! What am I going to do when she's 11???
And all the girls, hanging out! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this photo! I'll prob. love it even more when I put it into photoshop and brighten it! Look for that soon! Aren't they AWESOME?? I love all these girls! They are the BEST!
Ice cream cake, do I need to say anything else besides YUM YUM?? (of course I didn't have any-haha ya right) Isn't my girl GORGEOUS?
Only 2 candles were still burning... she has 2 boyfriends! UH OH! She wouldn't tell me who they were, BUT there was lots of whispering going on while they were eating the cake... Hmmm
Before jammie & movie time it was HOTTUB time! I was outside in the cold this morning cleaning this thing out so it would be warn in time for tonight! ANd they only stayed in for about 15 minutes! Girls....
I'm off to paint a bunch of toe nails! I can't wait! I love my big 10 year old, but it doesn't seem real that I have a 10 year old! I'm getting OLD!Friday, March 12, 2010
~ IMMA BE
IMMA BE
I just decided today, that IMMA BE happy, just the way things are. I'm not going to care what has happened to me in the past, who has crossed me in the past, who has harmed me in the past. I'm not letting it affect my life anymore.
IMMA BE HAPPY
Imma be happy because this life is so darn short, that if I'm wasting my time stressed out & thinking in my mind how to get back at this person or that person for crossing me, than my life is even shorter. I'm not going to think about how you or you or you hurt me or harmed me or lied about me or any of that stuff.
IMMA BE HAPPY
Imma be happy because my life deserves to be made happy. My family deserves for me to be happy, my children deserve for their mommy to be happy, my husband deserves for me to be happy. My heart wants and yearns to be happy.
IMMA BE HAPPY
Imma be happy & if you can't deal with a positive outlook in my life, and you want to try to make me unhappy, go right ahead. But I have nothing but happiness! I am beyond blessed with beautiful babies, a loving husband, my health, and an eternal life.
IMMA BE HAPPY!
I just decided today, that IMMA BE happy, just the way things are. I'm not going to care what has happened to me in the past, who has crossed me in the past, who has harmed me in the past. I'm not letting it affect my life anymore.
IMMA BE HAPPY
Imma be happy because this life is so darn short, that if I'm wasting my time stressed out & thinking in my mind how to get back at this person or that person for crossing me, than my life is even shorter. I'm not going to think about how you or you or you hurt me or harmed me or lied about me or any of that stuff.
IMMA BE HAPPY
Imma be happy because my life deserves to be made happy. My family deserves for me to be happy, my children deserve for their mommy to be happy, my husband deserves for me to be happy. My heart wants and yearns to be happy.
IMMA BE HAPPY
Imma be happy & if you can't deal with a positive outlook in my life, and you want to try to make me unhappy, go right ahead. But I have nothing but happiness! I am beyond blessed with beautiful babies, a loving husband, my health, and an eternal life.
IMMA BE HAPPY!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)