~4, 3 & 1

And they're off! I was anticipating today with so much happiness! And really, it was a good day. Jason came home last night and so was able to drop the kids off with me today. Then Connor, Karley, my hubby, & I had a TON of stuff to do as I have a honey-do list longer than santa's "good list"! So here they are on the morning of:
aren't they stunning?

This is my most beautiful Alyssa! She is in grade 4 as of today! I can remember me being in grade 4 and now my oldest baby is in grade 4! How time flies! She was the one who was definatly NOT looking forward to school this year. She was burnt out on homework toward the end of last year and so it made her not look forward to school! She's a summer girl, I suppose. Mr. Mason man started grade 3 this year! He was super excited! He's really maturing a lot lately and came home so excited that he actually gets to take AR tests this year. He has no idea, I think! He was a little upset this morning as I told him he had his old bus driver back that actually makes him behave on the bus! I was thrilled that he'd be heald accountable! Isn't his eyes gorgeous in this shot?
My Jameson... off to grade 1:( Okay, it wasn't that bad. But he sits in a DESK now and not at a table! Oh & has his deask all full of his supplies. Oh and he's gone all 5 days this year (didn't i already blog about that??). He's growing so fast & I'm excited to see his lil brain busy at work this year! Of course he came home SO exhausted he couldn't even see straight! It's gonna be a good sleep tonight! And tomorrow is Connor's first day of kindergarden! wow! Time sure flies when your having mostly fun & a little not so fun! Cheers to 2009 school year!

~mixed feelings

My baby boy is starting FIRST grade tomorrow. I know I know, I said I couldn't wait for school to start & he's been such a nightmare this summer, in severe anger mode, but he's starting FIRST grade! This is a big step for me because in the school they attend kindergarden is part time. So Jameson was not gone all day, every day. This year, he will be gone all day, every day!

It seems just like yesterday when I was giving birth to this perfect baby boy:

And then not long after that he was this perfect toddler:

And as of tomorrow he's going to be the perfectly imperfect FIRST grader. I have mixed feelings about this, yes I do.

~ yes sir we love NEW YORK!

Because our auntie pam lives there... (well not for long) but she bought us these shirts & so we really do love new york!

Trying to take pictures of a 1 year old is nearly impossible! I could not for the life of me get all 5 together in one shot. Oh well, another time;) (except that Connor got his shirt FULL of mud & it would NOT come out... so there is no more 5 shirts alike:( oops!)

~it'll take you back

Do you remember before you died that John Mayers song " Your body is a Wonderland" was just coming out & making it HUGE?

And to top that off we were newlyweds?

And on top off that we were living apart as you had taken a job in the central coast area and I was stuck in Northern Nevada finishing out my last semester of school?

(oh & we were newly married & living apart?)

Oh and every single weekend you were driving the something like 6 hours to spend with your new bride?

AND to top that off when you left at the end of the weekend I was in tears & you call me from the top of the sierra nevada mountains & sing "you body is a wonderland" while I dreamed of the time you & I were going to be together as man & wife....

Do you remember that?

~catching up a bit

BATH FUN

Life is not always horrible in our home & we really do have lots of fun! Bath time for us most of the time is especially fun! Look at these 2 super stars hammin it up in the bathtub! Aren't they precious?




AND LOOK AT THIS HAIR! Ummm, ya he has a lot! And yes, it must prob get trimmed this week for school to start. But then again, out of all the boys, he has the BEST hair when it grows out... hmmm, now I'm think that I will let it grow all of hockey season... who needs hair cuts when your this handsome?

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Introducing Little Things Photography

I'm please to announce that I've started a blog to further support my dream of becomming a professional photographer! I'm so excited & hope to further excell at my skills & also grow my business. Although I have no posted anything YET, I will, I promise! Very soon! (school starts in 1 week & time will be on my side). Check it out from time to time: http://www.littlethingsphoto.blogspot.com/

And please check out my facebook group!

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Swim lessons

Last week & this week I'm finding my mornings at the pool learning 2 of them to swim, which I think both of them will FLUNK their lessons :( This little man bumped up from preschool lessons to level 2 this year, and it's a little over his head. I wish we had started him in level 1! Oh well, a few times in level 2 & he'll be good to go.

Here was their greatest spectator last week!

Miss Alyssa has been plugging her nose & that is NOT allowed in level 6 or any of the levels for that matter... she better stop it!
Mason & connor were in VBS last week & of course I didn't get any pics (although I have an insider who did and I hope intends to e-mail me some, please Sheila!) Both boys really enjoyed their time at VBS & are now looking forward to some down time at the water park this week.
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CAMP

Mason attended his first ever sleep away camp this summer! He had a BLAST! In face one of my greatest memories of picking him up is him crying because it was time to go home, see:

But I know he had lots of fun & was only crying because it was so short in his little life. He will definatly be going back next year! Look at the friends he made:

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Connor's Summer Fun

Meet Connor's new friend Liam! This little guy & Connor hit it off from day 1. Liam lives just down the way from us & his dad is buddies with Connor's dad! So it seems perfect that they just adore each other!

~the truth will set you free

Yesterday after I wrote and posted for all the world to see & hopefully hear my frustration I felt better. Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed with children who simply don't get it and who I am at my wits end with. I have no idea how to discipline them & what is going to start working. I don't know. I'm lost when it comes to that.

Anyway, I wrote about it and I felt better. I cried about it and I felt better. I felt bad about posting the honest to God truth about my children, and I felt better. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect. In fact, I honestly think that I am the farthest from perfect of anyone I know. I judge myself harder than I judge anyone else. I curse myself more than I curse another person. I simply know that I am a work in progress and will be for the rest of my life.

Some days, I hate my life's path. I'm not totally at peace with the direction it has taken. Some days I am in love with my life & couldn't imagine it any other way (does this mean I'm bi-polar? Maybe, but that's for the professional to decide if he so chooses to!). And yesterday was one of the days when I was overwhelmed & wondering why in the world God would entrust me with 5 children who I care for most of the time on my own. I mean most moms are single parents during the day to an extent. And I'm just flying solo a little more than the average mama bear, and I think I'm allowed to have a broken wing once in a while.

This summer has been incredibly hard for me and I have been dealing with some serious discipline/behaviour issues that have sucked me dry of the happiness I feel most days. This summer I was looking forward to a relaxing holiday with my family but ended up with the blasted stomach flu and feel I am allowed to pout about it! This summer has been a hard one with the children. I've dealt with different issues and am not sure I handled them correctly or even at all most days. This summer has been a long one in my books as I haven't slept a full night in over 18 months. I am, and admit, sleep deprived & there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I'm working on sleep training with Karley, and it's getting better. Yes I know as an infant I could have trained her, but I was not letting my 2 month old "cry it out." I still, at least 3 nights a week, am awakened by children who head to the bathroom. And being the most aware person in my home I think I simply don't allow myself to sleep deep because of the "what ifs" (like robber, fire, etc). Sleep I need.

I can not tell you the last time I spent more than 2 nights away on my own with friends with 0 children present. I don't know about you other moms out there, but I would die for a week away, someplace I want to be, with my best friends! And that's not an option that is given to me in this life. I accept it, but I'm allowed to be a little envious of those who do get those breaks! Jealousy I think is bad, but don't we all have it time to time? I'm jealous of my husband and the 1 time a year he gets to go away with his best friends doing what he loves. I'm jealous of it, but I do realize he needs it too.

It's ridiculous to think that anyone besides these children's parents should take care of 5 children at once. So that leaves Jason & I to give each other breaks, and it simply isn't working out for me! Needless to say I'm looking forward to the day when my baby girl is old enough to stay home alone & I can go away all alone & do whatever I want. I dream about travelling exotic countries, sitting on the beach in Hawaii, just seeing 'stuff'. I have no desire to be where I've already been and do what I've already done! I wanna cover new ground & someday, given that I'm not dead before than, I will be on fresh soil.

Telling the truth on my blog has made me feel "real." My life is not perfect, like I said it's the farthest from perfect of anyone I know. But being real about it and blogging about it helps me!

~I never thought....

I'd be hoping and praying for school to start! I didn't think I'd be the mom who couldn't wait for school to begin and the last couple of weeks of summer simply couldn't go fast enough. Well that's where I am at. This is me as of about 20 seconds ago:




And I'm a mess. I have so many different behavioral directions that these kids are taking, and I can't keep up. Lets just do a run down & if anyone has any help or advice for me, esp. those of you who have multiple children as I do!

Meet Alyssa:
Don't let this little sweet face fool you. She is my drama, my mouth, my attitude, my fire starter. She seriously starts about 85% of all issues around our house (issues being fights, arguments, punching matches, etc.).

The other night I was out mowing the lawn and I walked into the house to check on the kids as they were to be in bed. I came down stairs to Alyssa running out of her room screaming at the top of her lungs that she hates her brother & is gonna kill him someday. I was ticked to say the least. Her & Jameson both ended up grounded for 1 week. In the morning they both begged me to do work & get out of their grounding. Do I have STUPID written across my head, because I let them. Now, it wasn't easy work, it was work, but nevertheless they got away with it, and were basically grounded for 1 day.

Just this morning I was dropping 2 kids off at VBS while the other 3 sat in the car & waited for me. I came back to a screaming 6 year old telling me that his sister slapped him across the face. Truth be told they both slapped each other across the face. I mean, who in the world could imagine their children thinking it's okay to slap each other across the faces? Obviously my sweet lil babies think it's okay. The funny thing is, the 2 who were going to VBS were taken out of swim lessons themselves because of bad behaviour and as I'm on my way to take Alyssa and 6 year old monster to swim lessons, they start this crap? What gives?

And to top of miss Innocent (if you ask her) I just got after Jameson for some terrible behaviour and all the sudden she's miss sweet as can be. As soon as I start yelling & having a nervous breakdown on one of the other kids she as perfect as can be. Manipulative? yes, I think so.

Don't get me wrong, Alyssa has some amazing qualities about her. Sometimes, the drama and the bad bad bad attitude really outweighs the rest.

Meet Mason:

Again, don't let these gorgeous blue eyes get ya. This kid has been some of my most trying times since I came into his life at the age of 4. Mason's mom died when he was 3 years old and his dad married me when he was 4.5. After Mason's mom died he was the rock that held his dad together and his dad was the rock that held him together. They created a bond that no one was ever going to come between. Fast forward to when his dad was ready to move on and fall in love again and I enter his life. I think from the beginning this kid hated me for taking his dad away from him. I mean what kid wouldn't? He had his dad to himself 99% of the time and then me & my rotten kids came into his life and it fell apart all over again. First he loses his mom & then in a sense he loses his dad. So I can't blame him when I put it into that perspective. But this is also the kid who I think is almost genius. He knows how to play it. As soon as dad is home (dad has been working away a lot) his behaviour becomes a night mare and the respect & love he showed me for however long is gone. He is also the kid who could easily man handle me and take me out if he wanted. This child of mine is the one I'm scared of as he matures & grows. What's he going to do to me once he turns 16?


My mason has mastered lying to me. He rarely tells me the truth when it comes to any event in our home. I have come to the point where I don't even believe him anymore. Mason is the child who acts like the "dad" most times when it comes to the other children in our home bosses them around & isn't afraid to use authority with them. He thinks he knows all and isn't afraid to make sure each and every one of them knows that he knows it all.

Mason is my child who since I have moved into his home has kept me away many hours at night. He's up repeatedly to the bathroom and each time he wakes me up, which frustrates me to no end.

But mason also is the biggest help as far as kids are concerned in my home. He is the first one that I call on anytime I need anything around the house & he's normally the first one that comes running when I need help. Mason has so many good qualities and when I'm stuck in this funk of 'naughtiness' it's really hard for me to see.

Meet Jameson:
This is my son who just today screamed at me and said "you hate me, you want me to die, I wish I killed myself" He has such anger issues and is my child who simply can not take any type of discipline. I try to use a timeout method on him by sending him to his room to diffuse and he smashes holes in his walls with hockey sticks. He tells me all the time that he hate me. He screams at his siblings all the time that he hates them. And today for the first time he screamed at his baby sister. Currently, at this very moment, he has me in tears because I just want to walk into his room and scream in his face to get him to stop opening and slamming his bedroom door. Opening it and screaming out the door at me, begging me to only ground him for only 1 day, when he pressed me to the limits of adding more & more days to his punishment. I'm so frustrated with this kid. He keeps screaming things out this door & spitting on the floor. He tries to manipulate me by saying if I only give him 1 day then he'll be good. But if I don't give him 1 day then he's going to "never ever listen to me, break toys & spill ice cream all over the house."


This kid has me flabbergasted. I don't know what to do for him or to him to make his life easier. He and Alyssa scream and say terrible things to each other all the time. She pushes him to the limits and he loses it and can't diffuse himself. He can not calm down until he gets to the brink and I have to give in somehow to get him to calm down.


I mean what 6 year old says he's going to kill himself? I had him to his doctor & she was worried about depression. So I started researching it online and his symptoms don't really go along with childhood depression.


I feel so sorry for this child. He was born into a home with 1 parent as his father died. For the first 8 months I raised him on my own with little help. At that point I moved into my parents house & they helped me raise him for the next year. I moved out on my own after that, but with-in walking distance of my parents house. I then met Jason and moved to Canada and as soon as I moved here this poor child got a fraction of the attention that he had back home. I had major issues to deal with when I moved here & because he was just an easy laid back kid, he got little to no attention.


So is this my fault? Did I create this kid? How do I turn around this terrible behaviour and how to I make him secure in whats going on in his life?


Meet Connor:


When Mason was 5 I had major major behaviour issues with him. His year of kindergarten was a nightmare. And now begins the next era of phone calls to mom from school. This child is starting to cause so much little things in this house. Recently in the last 6 months he has been caught steeling money 2x out of his siblings rooms, he deliberately starts fights with Jameson just to get the fight outta him. When told to stop doing something it's like he has 1 lane of vision. I had guys working in the garage the other day & Connor (who didn't know these guys from anywhere) caught a grasshopper & went and shoved it in the ones face. When told to stop he simply walked over to the other guy & shoved the grasshopper in his face. It wasn't until I actually yelled at him that he stopped.

*sigh* I could go on and on but I am freaking exhausted... I guess I will continue this post later and discuss Mr Connor more & miss no sleep Karley and the fact that I;m basically single parenting it right now & it seems that everyone thinks its okay that as Jason works he gets holidays with now kids (which yes I agree that he deserves to get away, but hello PEOPLE, I moved to Canada to care for these children, WHAT ABOUT ME? When do I get a break.

I can't wait for school to start!

Oh & can someone please call Super Nanny? I can't do this anymore and need help!

~the chance to say goodbye

**caution- if you intend to watch:

Do not read this blog entry as it contains spoilers! And I do highly recommend this movie!**

I went to the show last night, awesome chick flick! I loved it. I did get teary eyed (not as much as my girlfriend who I went with) but more than sad it really sparked me to get thinking. First I instantly thought of:Jeff (for those of you who don't know, he was my first husband who died in a tragic car accident in 2003). Not in a sad sort of way, remembering the accident that took his life. But more along the lines of never having the chance to say goodbye. He was taken so fast that there was never a chance to hug on him, kiss his face, cry and say goodbye as Claire did with Henry (in The Time Travelers Wife) while he was on his way out. I thought about how fortunate Claire was to be able to tell Henry goodbye.

Anyway, it made me think about death as a whole, as it surrounds us each and every day. What would it be for each of us to know that the time was coming for one of our loved ones or ourselves was coming that we were going to die. Would most people say goodbye and be able to accept it and move on in their lives? How would it be if we all knew?

There were lots of times when I thought about Jeff and his last moments laying on a ER bed with no one but doctors working on him. None of his family was with him to hold his hand as he crossed to the other side. Sometimes I really hate that I didn't get to say goodbye to my sweet dear loving hubby. I never ever saw him after he passed away, and I think in a way that was a bad choice. I wish I had a few moments (hours) with his dead body to tell him all the things that would have come into my mind to tell him. I would have stroked his sweet cheek, kissed his cold lips, hugged his lifeless body and said so many things that I have wanted to say.

So I guess if I had the moment to do over again, I'd take the opportunity to say my goodbyes in the last moment of desperation.

As far as The Time Travelers Wife it was a very good, slow moving, mind boggling movie, and I think most women would love it!

~one of those deep kinda posts

So, I'm sitting her pondering a few things tonight. I guess I really don't want this blog to be a 'photography' only blog. I do love this new found passion of mine, but I've always been a person who 'wears my heart on my sleeve' and needs to talk about my feelings. And tonight is just one of those night when I'm not necessarily in a sad mood, I'm not mad, I'm not happy, I'm not really anything but reflective. And tonight I'm reflecting on FRIENDSHIPS.

So, most of us know that marriage is a hard hard relationship to maintain, one that for most of us, we treasure and take care of like it were a fine diamond. Other relationships that I find hard are the mother/child relationship. Each child's dynamics are so different and that means you can never parent each child the same. I find it so hard to find that happy medium. The 3rd relationship that I find myself stressing or fretting the most over is friends.

Why is is so hard for some friendships to last and to be good friendships? I mean, do you believe with your whole heart that people simply come into your live for a 'reason, season or lifetime?' Cause I do when it comes to friends. I look back at the many different directions friendships have taken in my life, and there are very few in which I regret the direction they took. I do look WAY back into like Jr. high and high school days and think about how stupid i was when I choose my friends (i always wanted to chum with the "cool" crowd, and those were not good friends and in the end I pushed away the people in my life who would have made life long girlfriends:( I do regret that). But fast forward to the present... I have a few different groups of friends and I'm quickly finding myself knowing who I want as a part of my forever. I really am sure when it comes to lots of them.

BUT... there is this few so called friends who I can't even be myself when I am around them (no this has nothing to do with the beaver girls). I seriously get anxiety when i even talk to them on the phone. I'm always afraid of being judged, of being talked about, of learning the truth from them. I'm to the point where I can't live my life thinking about what they're thinking about me! I have to let it go and let all the pieces fall into place. I do not trust these girls one little bit. I know that they have lied to me numerous times and now I wonder to myself why am I even trying to maintain these friendships?

So, how does one go about ending a friendship with no hard feelings? How does one stop talking to someone who you seem to have so many mutual relationships? And why am I writing this blog about it and why do I care?

~need help

I'm loving this photography thing- SEE:


My issue is, I'm totally thinking on starting a business. I'm only doing these pics as sort of a business... I mean I haven't officially named myself yet, I don't have a business license, I'm not making killer money, I'm doing it for the fun, love & creative outlet involved in photography.

So, I'm stuck. Help me my bloggy friends, whats my next step & what do i do? Am I good enough to start up a very part time business?? Any insight is good!