~the truth will set you free

Yesterday after I wrote and posted for all the world to see & hopefully hear my frustration I felt better. Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed with children who simply don't get it and who I am at my wits end with. I have no idea how to discipline them & what is going to start working. I don't know. I'm lost when it comes to that.

Anyway, I wrote about it and I felt better. I cried about it and I felt better. I felt bad about posting the honest to God truth about my children, and I felt better. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect. In fact, I honestly think that I am the farthest from perfect of anyone I know. I judge myself harder than I judge anyone else. I curse myself more than I curse another person. I simply know that I am a work in progress and will be for the rest of my life.

Some days, I hate my life's path. I'm not totally at peace with the direction it has taken. Some days I am in love with my life & couldn't imagine it any other way (does this mean I'm bi-polar? Maybe, but that's for the professional to decide if he so chooses to!). And yesterday was one of the days when I was overwhelmed & wondering why in the world God would entrust me with 5 children who I care for most of the time on my own. I mean most moms are single parents during the day to an extent. And I'm just flying solo a little more than the average mama bear, and I think I'm allowed to have a broken wing once in a while.

This summer has been incredibly hard for me and I have been dealing with some serious discipline/behaviour issues that have sucked me dry of the happiness I feel most days. This summer I was looking forward to a relaxing holiday with my family but ended up with the blasted stomach flu and feel I am allowed to pout about it! This summer has been a hard one with the children. I've dealt with different issues and am not sure I handled them correctly or even at all most days. This summer has been a long one in my books as I haven't slept a full night in over 18 months. I am, and admit, sleep deprived & there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I'm working on sleep training with Karley, and it's getting better. Yes I know as an infant I could have trained her, but I was not letting my 2 month old "cry it out." I still, at least 3 nights a week, am awakened by children who head to the bathroom. And being the most aware person in my home I think I simply don't allow myself to sleep deep because of the "what ifs" (like robber, fire, etc). Sleep I need.

I can not tell you the last time I spent more than 2 nights away on my own with friends with 0 children present. I don't know about you other moms out there, but I would die for a week away, someplace I want to be, with my best friends! And that's not an option that is given to me in this life. I accept it, but I'm allowed to be a little envious of those who do get those breaks! Jealousy I think is bad, but don't we all have it time to time? I'm jealous of my husband and the 1 time a year he gets to go away with his best friends doing what he loves. I'm jealous of it, but I do realize he needs it too.

It's ridiculous to think that anyone besides these children's parents should take care of 5 children at once. So that leaves Jason & I to give each other breaks, and it simply isn't working out for me! Needless to say I'm looking forward to the day when my baby girl is old enough to stay home alone & I can go away all alone & do whatever I want. I dream about travelling exotic countries, sitting on the beach in Hawaii, just seeing 'stuff'. I have no desire to be where I've already been and do what I've already done! I wanna cover new ground & someday, given that I'm not dead before than, I will be on fresh soil.

Telling the truth on my blog has made me feel "real." My life is not perfect, like I said it's the farthest from perfect of anyone I know. But being real about it and blogging about it helps me!