~2011

My goal, to blog once a week. I'm going to blog everything! Wait for it!

~that in which I swear......

I don't normally like to say "bad words" & I wont actually publish the actual word written out on this blog today, But for today I'm ready to lay my feelings all out on the line... Being brutally honest as to how I feel.

Today is where I explain that April 28, 2003 is the day that I was given the right to tell my critics, the people who don't like how I'm living my life, the people who decide to gossip & call me weird, the people who think they have it all right in life, this is where I tell them to F*@k off.

I know I may lose some readers by saying this, but I need to get it out there.

I need you, whoever you are, to know that I closed down my blog & made it private for a few months because a usedtobefriend told one of my sons NEW friends down the street to be very careful letting her son play with my son because i write weird stuff on my blog, so that makes me weird. Guess what usedtobefriend? It's my blog & it's my life & because I lived & loved & now tell my story of widowhood & life thereafter I can tell you to F-off!

There you have it. I'm back to blogging. I love to blog. Actually, it's not just blogging that I love to do, it's writing, it's getting my feelings written & it's people hearing me who don't think I'm weird! So this time, for real, look for more blogs coming soon, cause thats just the way I swing! Hopefully usedtobefriends just stay away & let me live my life!

giveaway & more blogging to come

I've been inspired... be on the look out!
check it: “Check out the huge Giveaway & Sale at the Soulographer Blog for Photographers: http://www.soulographer.com

~Wierd

A little birdie came & told me the other day that a certain someone says I'm "wierd" when it comes to what I put on my blog. GUESS WHAT? It's MY BLOG & I can write what I WANT! So please, you know who you are, please stay off my blog!

Because of you some children who had a chance to become really good friends, no longer have that chance! You know who you are!

Also, this blog will be going "private" very soon, before I write again. If you would like to keep reading, please comment on this post with your e-mail address!

~Musings 7 years out

It's simply mind boggling to me that it's been 7 years since Jeff went to heaven. (For those of you who don't know my story read instalment #1 of the story here.)

Here are my thoughts 7 years later...

It still hurts. He still got hit by a car and the vision of him flying through the air, and all the nastiness that happened after still lingers in my thoughts. The whole day is still a very clear vision to me. I remember every single little detail, every single one. I remember the pure hell I went through & it still hurts.

It feels different than it did when it was the first year anniversary of his death. The first year was physically painful & it felt like I was dying. I wanted to gouge my eyes out in order to not feel the pain. Years 2-4 were causing me anxiety cause I knew it was leading up to year 5, 5 years since Jeff had died. And year 5 was weird... it really felt like a dream... like really, 5 years ago my beloved died. Year 6 was nothing big, but year 7, like really 7 years ago my life as I know it now began? Really, 7 years? Can it be true?

It was a normal day, I mean one must live their daily life. But still, it lingers. The time flashes across the clock... And I know that around that time he was hit by the car. And I know that at another time I was called, and then the other time he was dead. And then the other time on the clock... i was not longer at the hospital. I left it alone w/o my husband. And than I clearly remember the first night i was a widow.

I was scared to go home... like really? Was some one going to rob me? I don't know why. Someone had to go to my apt. for me to get clothing for my 3 year old. I remember sitting my darling Alyssa down & telling her that daddy was never coming home again, oh God that hurt. To this day recalling that memory still hurts. Still makes me cry. I remember sleeping in Jeff's sisters bed. It wasn't even discussed... I was just sleeping there with my baby girl. I remember running my hand over my 8 month pregnant belly... crying, not being able to sleep. Tossing and turning. My son was going to grow up w/o a dad. Why was this my life.

You know, before this big fat nightmare happened I never ever ever imagined that my i mean MY husband would be taken from me. Not me, I wasn't one of the few (now I know so many are) that was going to be a young widow. Nope, not me. Not my family. Not my children. But today, 7 years + 1 day later I am still a widow deep in my heart. I don't care what anyone says about it, I still loved & lost and lost bigger than most can even imagine.

7 years + 1 day... I still miss him!

~Tired

I am so tired & weary these last couple of days. I can't seem to pin point what exactly it is that is making me feel physically & mentally exhausted, but I need to snap out of it.

I have a clue as to what a few of these things are, in no particular order.

FACE BOOK- It is plain and simple a toxic place. Lies happen there, people find ways to not deal with life on a face to face basis, They can snoop into others life and real communication doesn't have to happen. It's easy to conceive & think up false accusations. On tops of all that, it's easy to waste precious valuable time on such a pointless site.

That being said, I love face book. I love it for the simple fact that it's wast to be in contact with those dear ones that we want to know more, or haven't seen in ages. It's connected me to so many people who I left behind when I moved away from my hometown. I left with so much hate & resentment toward people & I am seeing them in a new more "human" light! I love that it's let me grow up so much & appreciate people for being just that... people.

I love it for the sake of my photography business! It's FREE (who doesn't love free?) advertisement? Plus I love love love to look at other people's free advertisement!

I love to show off my babies. But yet, I feel so violated lately with their pics that I can't seem to show too much of them off?

So yes, face book is a toxic time waster in my life that I love...

Another exhausting area: Weight.. yes I know you who know me will flat out call me a liar- BUT I am UP, yep that's right, UP 20 pounds from when I HAD (BIRTHED) KARLEY! Hello... isn't one supposed to lose weight after baby? We'll I didn't, and I'm totally hating myself for what I consider F-A-T. Yes I said it, the image of how I look right now is disgusting & I need need need to do something about it. So I'm going to try moderate exercise, hey I have 5 kids, I rarely get time alone to do hardcore exercise, so walking will have to do! I'm also going to try some nutritional supplement stuff from Arbon, have you tried it?

Exhausting: FAITH! It's not hard to have faith, but it's hard to be disciplined enough to grow in faith. Don't get me wrong, it's not hard to talk to God, but it's hard to take the time to know as much as I want to know about him & as fast as I want to know it.

Exhausting: Children. nuff said? Well not really, my 2 year old is still NOT sleeping through the night. These last weeks have been HELL... or something I would consider close to hell. Shes been up 6-10 times a night. I have tried the crying to sleep thing. It was well over an hour & she was so worked up she couldn't have possibly fallen asleep after that. Furthermore she is not eating very well. I'm getting worried, but yet I tell myself not to worry!!!!!! She has thrown a loop into know it all parenting skills... And one of my boys is having a hard time in life right now & it just breaks my heart. It esp. hurts when all these people tell you what they think he needs but I am 1 person and can not give 1 child my undivided attention. It can't possibly work that way in a family with 5 children.

oh my list is never ending... I must try for a couple of hours of sleep!

~no words

~Irish Whiskey

Jameson Irish Whiskey to be exact... Oh goodness... this stuff has the potential to some sort of good...

But today, as some people are thinking and discussing Jameson Irish Whiskey, it means a little something different to me than your typical St. Patty's day drink. It makes me think of this guy:

My beloved Jeff. He passed away in 2003, he was my husband. Jameson holds a special place in my heart because of this guys name:
Meet JAMESON!

Yep, this dude is named after the Irish Whiskey! How cool is that?

Anyway, he got his name because there was the never ending, always on going, controversial discussion in my home about what we were going to name our baby boy. I wanted him to have the same initials as his daddy because Alyssa had (I've since remarried & have a different last name) the same initials as me. She had my same middle name, so Jeff & I knew we were going to give him Jeff's middle name. So we searched & we searched & we searched some more. We look in every baby name book w could find. We looked online. We asked suggestions for boy names. Nothing stuck out as something we really wanted until one night. Jeff loved to just 'sip' on Jameson Irish Whiskey. And this particular night he was sipping away... and 'POOF' right in front of our eyes was the bottle. And we both loved the name. LOVED IT! And Jameson simply fits the lil man to a tee!

I'm so thankful that he was named before his daddy passed away! Jeff loved them name & he loved Jameson Irish Whiskey! So today is a perfect day to tip the glass to him! ~cheers~

~10

Today my oldest turned 10... THE BIG 1-0. I really have a ten year old, and it doesn't seem right. Today was probably the slowest day EVER for her! She had to wait till 3 pm for all of her friends to get here and all week there has been gifts sitting around waiting for today! I did let her open her bigger gift this morning, which did not have to be opened at all- A NEW BIKE! She was thrilled, but still wanted a i-pod touch worse (she thinks money grows on trees). As soon as most of her girlie friends arrives they broke out the tattoo kit that I picked up on the after christmas sales for something like $5.00. As you can see they were COVERED in tattoo's! I hope their mom's still talk to me after this!

Here is the birthday girl posing with her tattoo's and all 10 fingers held up! What am I going to do when she's 11???
And all the girls, hanging out! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this photo! I'll prob. love it even more when I put it into photoshop and brighten it! Look for that soon! Aren't they AWESOME?? I love all these girls! They are the BEST!

Ice cream cake, do I need to say anything else besides YUM YUM?? (of course I didn't have any-haha ya right) Isn't my girl GORGEOUS?

Only 2 candles were still burning... she has 2 boyfriends! UH OH! She wouldn't tell me who they were, BUT there was lots of whispering going on while they were eating the cake... Hmmm

Before jammie & movie time it was HOTTUB time! I was outside in the cold this morning cleaning this thing out so it would be warn in time for tonight! ANd they only stayed in for about 15 minutes! Girls....

I'm off to paint a bunch of toe nails! I can't wait! I love my big 10 year old, but it doesn't seem real that I have a 10 year old! I'm getting OLD!

~ IMMA BE

IMMA BE

I just decided today, that IMMA BE happy, just the way things are. I'm not going to care what has happened to me in the past, who has crossed me in the past, who has harmed me in the past. I'm not letting it affect my life anymore.

IMMA BE HAPPY

Imma be happy because this life is so darn short, that if I'm wasting my time stressed out & thinking in my mind how to get back at this person or that person for crossing me, than my life is even shorter. I'm not going to think about how you or you or you hurt me or harmed me or lied about me or any of that stuff.

IMMA BE HAPPY

Imma be happy because my life deserves to be made happy. My family deserves for me to be happy, my children deserve for their mommy to be happy, my husband deserves for me to be happy. My heart wants and yearns to be happy.

IMMA BE HAPPY

Imma be happy & if you can't deal with a positive outlook in my life, and you want to try to make me unhappy, go right ahead. But I have nothing but happiness! I am beyond blessed with beautiful babies, a loving husband, my health, and an eternal life.

IMMA BE HAPPY!

~Heaven

I can't wait to be in heaven, you know what I mean?

Now, this is not the place where I'm going to get into some big religion conversation. This is just a place where I'm saying what "I" Believe and it doesn't matter what you believe.

I believe I am going to heaven. I believe that God is pure & true and loves me no matter what. I believe that my life is worthy of living here on earth. I believe there is a reason behind everything, although I do not believe that it will be explained to us as to why it happened this way. I believe that each one of our days here on earth are numbered. There is a set day when we "GET" to go be loved, cherished & adored on the other side.

There are so many bad things that happen here on this earth that we're living right now. I do not know why these things happen, nor do I agree with them, BUT I will accept them and I will live out the rest of my days trying to live a better life than I live today.

All that being said, I can't WAIT to get to heaven! I can't wait! It's going to be so much more than what my simple little words can explain. There are going to be so many beautiful souls that come to me when I get there. There is going to be so many people there waiting for me!

I choose to believe that when we get to heaven we will recognize each and every one of the beautiful people who went before us. Although we leave our earthly bodies behind, I believe our souls will be recognizable by what we looked like before we passed! I can't wait to get there & see soooo many of my loved one who got to go ahead of me!

Layla's story (http://laylagrace.org/) got me thinking about what happens here on this earth and how we go about our earthly life. She got to be healed in the name of Jesus before she was even 3 years old. Her death is not one that is easy to swallow, but it is one that shakes some of our lives up to a point where we (me being one of the "we") look forward to the day we actually get to "meet" this beautiful baby in Heaven. Please, will you pray for this family who is hurting so badly as they celebrate their beautiful baby getting her wings?

This, beautiful baby girl, was posted on face book this morning, and I believe that we can see heaven in your face....

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”

Chorus:

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.

Bridge:

But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there’s no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there’s no more enemy.

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.

~mother hen

She is my Mother Hen. She loves her babies and she cares for them diligently.

She kisses them, and has me wrap them in blankies. She wont allow then in clothes. They must be naked babies!
She hugs them & poses for pictures with them.
She even gives them drinks of juice!
And her babies never go hungry, they are always drinking a baba!

She is the mother hen around here and she takes care of her babies diligently!

~Olympic memories!

What an amazing 2 weeks of competition and inspiring performances! Wow! I sure enjoyed myself.

Here are a couple of the highlights that meant the most to me:

Canada's First gold medal on Canadian soil:Alexandre Bilodeau

What an amazing story! This young man is on my list of hero's! Have you read his story? If not, check it out here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexandre_Bilodeau He's an inspiration to all of us: American, Canadian, French, Russian, Jamaican!

And how about Joannie Rochette? What an amazing story of inspiration!






I CAN NOT believe her strength after losing her mother in the first days of the Olympics, to continue to compete & to come home with a BRONZE! What a true hero to so many! Her mother would be proud & honored to have Joannie as her daughter.

Another part of the Olympics that will never be forgotten by many is the luge event. Nodar Kumaritashvili was killed while on a training run at the Whistler Slide center. How absolutely horrifying to all involved in these winter games.


It goes to show that all of these Olympians would give their lives to compete in the winter games for their countries. They live & thrive for these competitions. Let us all remember this young man who was gone way too soon. RIP Nodar Kumaritashvili. May your memory live on forever in those hearts of so many lives that you touched!

I was cheering for this dude with my whole heart:

What a wild & fun ride his Olympic journey has been! I'm so proud he's American! He does everything with so much grace & poise that it warms my heart! GREAT JOB APOLLO!!!!!

And the final event of these Olympic games: HOCKEY!!!!

First off, congrats to the Canadian men's hockey team. And also CONGRATS to the Americans! Wow, what a show down! Both teams were so evenly matched that this made for an amazing showdown & grand finale. Wow. But this is where I find that most Canadians are so ignorant. I got text messages & facebook messages saying how "Americans should not play Canada's game." how "Americans LOST the gold." how " Americans weren't even close to winning the game." How "Crosby killed the Miller Show." I was so angry because the bottom line to it all is that IT WAS A GOOD GAME! Wow! Hockey is not so one sided in the Olympic games anymore. So really, Canadian people, don't be so ignorant to the American people. Be proud but don't be arrogant.

Oh & we must discuss

What in the world? The Canadian women were DRINKING & SMOKING in the rink in front of media. Hello people, some underage, go back and celebrate in private where you wont get called out in your wrongs! DUH!

~the HARDEST thing about blogging

http://laylagrace.org/

When I blogged in the past, it was always so darn hard for me to not be drawn to the many of blogs out there. There are SOO many! There are happy blogs, crafty blogs, cooking blogs, political blogs, mommy blog. But the ones that always get me are the type of blogs that bring me to the point I'm at tonight. The sweet girl pictured above is probably on her last days of life. LOOK AT HER SWEET FACE. Should she be dying? NO! When I read these blogs I am impaced so much, I can't hardly function. I was sitting watching my boys play hockey today and I'm wondering to myself... Really, there is this little girl dying in her mommies arms & I'm out enjoying myself. NOT FAIR!

I don't know why I'm drawn to all these blogs where children are sick and fighting for their lives or even blogs where grown people are dying. WHY? It breaks my heart & I feel the pain so deep that I stop functioning normally. With beautiful Layla I keep heading back to her twitter updates because I'm so worried & so upset.

Is anyone else like this? Do you cry out to God in pain when you read about the things in life that aren't fair? Seriously, I would go through the pain of being widowed 100x over to save all the children in the world.

Would you please pray for Layla Grace & her beautiful family? Like me you probably don't know then personally, but just put yourself in their shoes.

I do believe in miracles & think that a miracle could happen to this sweet baby girl. I'm hoping & praying.

My missing BLOG

Have you noticed? I've been out of the blogging world for a while. And I really missed it. I went away because I had so many people judging me for my feelings & what I was writing on my blog...

well GUESS WHAT???????

I'm back!!! I'm back to the bloggity blog world! And if someone doesn't care what I write, or if you take it personal, thats your problem, NOT MINE!

This blog is of my journey in life. My journey living, loving, and sometimes even hating. It's mine to own and no one elses. So I hope that as you read this you respect it.

I have thought about taking my blog "private", which could still happen, BUT I think that could point fingers as to who I don't really care to read my most initmate deepest thoughts! So, I'll stick it out for now.

So, here is my jorney TAKE 2...

ENJOY THE RIDE!!!!